A Slow Burn

It’s really interesting to see what happens when one area of your life catches on fire.

When you suddenly realize the things you thought and clung to no longer serve any purpose. When you realize the skin of the person that you are is ready to be shed.

When you refuse to settle.

After my last post I stepped the fuck up for my life. I refused to take anyone’s leftovers. I refused to sit and watch the life I wanted pass me by and I refused to play second string to any man.

And with that a fire was lit. I realized I didn’t have to sit on that damn porch, that I didn’t need a man to complete me cause I was whole as I was. I realized that everything that I thought about my life, about sacrificing for others, about quieting my needs to make people more comfortable, about what we are told success and family look like…. all of it was bullshit.

I realized I was holding on to a lot of really outdated thoughts. Thoughts that didn’t serve me or anyone else in my life because they were shackling me to a version of myself that no longer fit.

And in that moment a whole other world opened up. A world where I was no longer okay settling, and it became pretty easy to let go. A world where if something didn’t feel quite right I could honor that and examine it and see what the underlying statement was and if that didn’t fit I could question it and change it. This is a world where I believe in and trust myself. A world where I listen to my body, and started to honor it as the receiving antenna that it is.

I can feel it all burning. All of the old thoughts, old patterns, the indecision about parts of my life, the willingness to pander to other people. It is a fire that some days makes me feel like I am crawling out of my skin and other days feels like the most empowering place I could ever be.

How/why did this all happen?

I was sitting at home, chatting up a male friend via text. He is married and we have had a friendly professional relationship. And then… those words popped up on my screen. Words that make my stomach sink and my skin crawl…. “I’m bored. Come play with me.” Even typing those I can feel the anger rising. Who the fuck does he think he is that he can solicit THAT from me? This all happened in a split second but time was slowed way down and with that one simple text I saw my whole life and relationships with men VERY clearly. I have always allowed this behavior. I have felt I wasn’t good enough or deserving enough to have a man of my own. I felt like I was good at making men happy and if single men couldn’t see that and the married men did then that was my lot in life. And as all of this came flooding in this banshee started screaming inside of me. FUCK THIS. And just like that I was done. Done with all this bullshit. Done sitting around and waiting on someone who is already taken. Done loving men who won’t ever love me back. Done pushing myself down so that they could stand on top of me and get their boost up. Done putting my needs and wants and desires to the side.

D.O.N.E.

The guy who texted me that got a response back that was clear, but kind. The woman inside of my was spitting mad. Absolutely fucking raging that a man would have the audacity to think I was someone he could just summon, someone who would keep her mouth shut and give herself to him for his pleasure. And I realized it wasn’t his fault… because that is the person I have been. The person I have projected to men. I have let a lot of people tell me what was best for me and my life.

This particular situation took about two days to burn off and I haven’t been the same since. I started putting boundaries where they are needed. I started to care less about other people and focus more on how I felt. I stopped obsessing over Mr. X and what he was up to and when I realized he was choosing to stay in an environment that no longer suited his growth, I stepped back and realized it wasn’t my circus. He doesn’t need to be saved any more than I do. And that saving has to come from within…. and I am done helping other people up before I help myself up.

Does this mean I am spitting this fire into the world? No. I am still responding in a way that serves kindness and love, but my voice is becoming louder and more firm. And I fucking love it. I am approaching things with curiosity and openness but an unwillingness to sacrifice myself. If something doesn’t fit the vision of who I truly aim to be, then it goes.

This is not just in the area of relationships but also work and my health. I stopped making excuses for how my body was feeling and started doing something about it. I went out and ran until the sweat poured off and it felt good and I realized I NEED that for my body to thrive. When that old voice stepped in and said let’s go back to bed, the new one came in and said no. I am choosing me, over and over and over again and anything that is holding me back is being released. It’s beautiful and brilliant and messy and I am awful at it right now, but it is mine and it is me and it feels fucking good. It feels alive.

I feel alive.

It hasn’t been easy. It will continue to not be easy but I know over time it will become less hard and those decisions that are made in support of me will become more common than those that don’t. And so the purge has started. All of the people, things, events that don’t support me… they are being burned and anyone that stands in the way better prepare to walk through fire.

Finding oneself through the noise of the world is no easy task, but once the door is opened and the first steps taken, there is no turning back.

And that is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself. ❤ ❤

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