Day 64: The Loneliest Place

This morning was not going well.

Last night…. didn’t go well.

I was talking to a friend about my anxiety and she keeps pressing me to see a shrink. I have reached out to six of them. Most of them aren’t taking new clients, or have changed their niche. Four referrals have been from doctors, one I found on my own and one a friend recommended. I hate the idea of talking to a therapist. I hate the idea of “working through trauma” because I don’t feel that that totally applies, but this friend keeps pushing. Hard.

I realize it is because I am leaning on her for a crutch, and it’s a lot. A lot for me to handle, a lot for another person to take on.

I tried to step back a bit from our connection so it wasn’t overwhelming as I knew I was in a really bad spot. I said some things that were on the negative spectrum and she said something to me along the lines of she was frustrated because I seemed to be making backwards progress. That the things I was saying were contradicting each other.

It hurt. A lot.

I have spent the last year working on me. I know my language is an issue. I have been told this by multiple people. I do work on it. I sound like a contradiction because the thoughts in my head are negative and then I correct them and voice those. But sometimes the original version comes out too. It is an endless circle. It is frustrating and exhausting. For me and for her.

When she said that… about my progress, it felt like a slap in the face. It felt like I wasn’t good enough or trying hard enough or working hard enough, or maybe it was true that I am just that difficult to love (I have heard this before). A whole lot of negative stuff came rushing in and it was more than I could handle last night. I started bawling.

I am frustrated with me. With my progress, my results. A friend’s voice came in to tell me “don’t beat up the machine, it is just putting out what you have asked it to.” Negativity. Anger. Frustration.

I actually rolled my window down in traffic today to bitch out a lady who made me slam on my brakes. Negativity. Anger. Frustration.

The loneliest place isn’t any place external. It is the space between your thought and feeling. It is in the endless circling of emotion that you feel like you can’t control. It is the knowledge that you are at the bottom of a wave and it’s the size of a fucking tsunami.

Today I feel like I am in a really deep pit. The light at the top is a pin prick. I start to climb the side and get side swiped by something. I fall. Maybe a little, maybe a lot.

Every time a negative thought comes in I correct it. Even in the midst of a meltdown I can be aware enough to say “I love this part of me too.” But… the feeling doesn’t come. So I repeat the process… again and again and again. That is the loneliest place. The moment of waiting when a thought is changed to something better and the heart picks it up… And when the heart doesn’t… it’s pure nothingness.

I have expanded my capacity for pain so much in my life. I know that also expands my capacity for joy, but those muscles are so atrophied that the little moments that bring others tranquility are a drop in an ever increasing bucket. If I am ever able to get myself shifted it will be euphoric, if… if…. if….. I just don’t know right now.

I thought that I was changing the pattern of depression and abuse in my family. Right now, I am not so sure. I am afraid to reach out, because I know I need a lot right now. I am afraid to say too much because I know my words still don’t serve me. I am afraid to just be how I am right now, because people expect (and I expect) something better. That comment about my progress going backwards… I know it was meant to inspire me to move, to be better. I know it was from a place of love and concern. I also know it was exactly the wrong thing for me in that moment. I should have said something, but I didn’t. I let the overwhelm build and I chose to walk away for a while, repeating an old pattern.

The loneliest place is not knowing where to turn or who to trust. It is knowing that your mental patterns aren’t accurate, but your heart isn’t giving you direction. It is realizing that your touchstone or totems are memories and memories fade. It is feeling that you can no longer lean on the one person in this world who has always seen you, always supported you, because you also know space is necessary for him and for you. The loneliest place lives at our very core, in the confusion and overwhelm and the muck of life. It is created by us.

And can be filled…. by us. By me.

In this expanding capacity I know I am too much for most people. I need too much. The only one who can even come close to honoring my capacity is me.

So I took a deep breath. Reached out to someone that I know I can trust and I dug in. I had to figure out a few things. Like, if my heart wasn’t leading the way, my mind had to… but I had to be very selective in what I chose to listen to. It is russian roulette with yourself. Pick the wrong thing, fall deeper in the hole.

I don’t have that luxury any more. It is just me. Fighting me. Leaning into the battle, the resistance, the pain. All to see if there is anything left to help me get to the top.

I will rise, for me. I will climb, for me. I will be happy, for me. I will be my own best friend, my own lover, my own confidante, until I am full enough that other people won’t buckle underneath me. I will survive, for me. ❤ ❤

Image by Myriam Zilles from Pixabay

Day 56: Moving Through Confusion and Overwhelm

My little brain has been going nonstop today. It has been circling around the same useless arguments and thought patterns.

At some point I got a little tired of it. So I thought to myself, what can I do to shift this even a little? My heart has been totally shut off, like no feeling… .all thinking…

Then I thought back to a client I had this week. She is new to horse ownership and she bought a 3 year old with no training. And man, that little goober is testing her. She has been going around and around and around with what is the BEST training method to use for her desired outcome. She’s tried bits and pieces of all of them and done a lot of bouncing around. I simply reminded her that no matter what the end goal was, she needed to focus on the little actionable steps in the moment and when she was feeling overwhelmed she needed to go back to basics. I told her to make each move about that move.

For fuck’s sake, I give good advice. I should listen to it for myself once in a while.

I was able to take a step back today and bring some space to my situation. I went back to the basics. What do I want? Where is my highest energy? What resources can I find to support my goal?

One of my biggest issues I realize is I don’t have a clear vision of what I want for my future. I have put a ton of energy into wanting a relationship with a man, one that has a deep, earth shattering sort of love component. And I found it. It is, in no way, how I thought it would look. Now that that part has been experienced I am feeling a little adrift. The crazy thing is, I have wanted a relationship all my life, but I have never settled for a love less than what I knew it to be. That love though… it is really chaotic on so many levels right now. Reviewing the relationship and my part in it, I realize that, while I loved how I felt when I was with him, I didn’t love the person that I was turning into in the relationship. I have definitely fallen into old patterns. I have to remember to give myself a little grace though as this is the first time I have dared to even examine these things within the context of an intimate relationship.

So back to the basics.

What do I want? This is a question I ask myself a lot, especially when I am getting into these confusion spirals. Asking what you want, and sometimes even writing it out, can get you out of your head and back into your heart by envisioning the end goal, feeling that spark of inspiration and letting your heart come back on line as your mind quiets. You can then examine what in your life is not supporting that vision and you can make adjustments.

Where is my highest energy? All day today it has been on all of the things wrong with me and how I fuck things up in relationships. It has been on the fear of never finding a mate. It has also been on the fear of not really knowing where my future was headed and not feeling like I had clarity surrounding future goals as so much of me has been focused on finding a partner.

What resources can I find to support my goal? This meant seeking out some things to find clarity.

The example of this process today was….

What do I want… well I don’t want to feel confused and I don’t want to be beating myself up. So what I want is more clarity and self love.

Where is my highest energy? As mentioned above it was on a lot of fear, so I shifted it to focus on all of the positive things that I bring to a relationship. Or… I wanted to.. but was finding that a little hard to do for myself. I was also focused on how confused I was, and I wanted to shift over to some clarity with regard to myself and where I want my life to take me.

What resources can help support me?

  • I went online and did a strength finder assessment. It sounds a little silly, but doing this not only opened my eyes to what I do bring to personal relationships but it also highlighted some things about me that I didn’t realize about how I work with others and my leadership style. This helped calm some of the voices that were swirling around telling me how much of a fuck up I am.
  • I have also been feeling really weird about starting this coaching program as I feel my life is a bit of a mess at the moment, but I went through some of the exercises and realized that right now I can make this about me and my personal growth and it will help define clarity surrounding professional goals.
  • I scheduled a meeting with another coach who specializes in self love so that I can get a broader perspective on my assets and some more actionable steps to take to be a little nicer to me.
  • I reached out to a friend. Not so much for support in this situation but to have that human connection to get me out of my head and open my heart to another person.
  • I did some breathing exercises to help realign heart and mind.
  • I took a nap.
  • I cooked myself some nourishing food and remembered one of my goals is my health. I acknowledged that even though I was feeling crappy I wasn’t sacrificing what I wanted most (to feel healthier and out of chronic issues) for what I wanted now (a cupcake). That made me see some of the progress I have made, which is damn hard to find in oneself sometimes.

It’s now the end of the day and I can look back and say pretty honestly, that I am proud of myself. I am much better able to see when I am getting overwhelmed and I am starting to make shifts to change it. I am also starting to seek out resources without even knowing it, this adds a layer of trust in myself and gratitude that I am altering some of these subconscious patterns and neural pathways. That actually feels like a really big win.

I still struggle a lot with mindset still and some days the thought of turning my sadness into happiness seems monumental even though it is empowering to know I can change it. Sometimes I shift it and sometimes I don’t. Each choice is valid and useful. Today I didn’t totally get out of my funk, but I did move a lot of it around and was able to clarify some perspectives and solidify some of my future vision which ultimately gives me the next steps to take. Then the secret is focusing on those steps and forgetting about the end vision and letting step one reveal step two and so on. When overwhelm and fear kicks in again, one has only to zoom out and realize vision again, activate the heart and keep moving. ❤ ❤

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay