Day 83: The Cold Grip of Fear

I almost titled this “CHILL THE FUCK OUT!”

But I held back.

We are living in troubled times. People do not feel like they have any control, and we don’t. This is a breathtaking, intense reminder that Mother Nature is in control and we aren’t immune because, guess what… we are nature. We are animals, we are biologic organisms.

Someone told me yesterday that the Corona virus was really deadly because it wasn’t MEANT for humans… who the fuck is anyone of us to say it wasn’t meant for us. We are … animals. A virus that lives in animals doesn’t mean we are immune because we don’t see ourselves as such. We have elevated ourselves to a status that is shockingly egoic about our place in the world. Yes, ego has its place. It allows us to step beyond fear and accomplish great things, but we have become so disconnected from the natural world that we forget we are a part of it and that means we are subject to her will.

This is an awesome, raw display of sheer power.

And it is making people very afraid. Rightfully so. But what isn’t right is to not realize our place in this world. It isn’t to keep fighting for us being more than nature. Biology cannot be outrun. It will shift and mutate and spread and do whatever the fuck it needs to to create harmony or homeostasis. We are so keen to think we know what that looks like.

Why is this coming up? Because I am getting tired. I empathize and sympathize with the fear. I have it too. I am in no way immune to what everyone else is feeling. In some ways I feel it more intimately as I have to keep working and exposing myself and potentially others (who’s to say I am not a carrier) to this thing. I get it. But when I was asked today by two separate clients to euthanize their completely healthy animals for no reason other than they are scared about the future, that was the end of my rope.

When people are scared they will do a lot of crazy things. We are seeing the best and the worst come out in people. The best is pretty great, there is so much coming together and community and people reaching out and people being creative and loving and it warms my heart.

And then there is the worst. There is the fear mongering, the people preying on that fear for their own benefit, people stabbing other people over food, hate speech, panic and thievery.

I refuse to let my own experience be one that is focused on the bad. But today was hard. I had to get real with some people and choose my moral high ground. The thing is, when you stand clear in your purpose and firm in your heart and mind people settle into that. Both clients that I talked to I gave feedback lovingly but firmly. Both of them woke up a little bit and came around to what they were asking, and then we came up with a plan and guidelines for when that time comes of what to look for and what the process would be. Then I made myself available to them at any time they might need me so they had that peace of mind. And I will be available to them. This is not a role I love to play, to be on call 24/7 but at the end of the day I have a purpose to advocate for my patients and today this meant showing up in this way.

These are interesting times. Things are changing rapidly and our normal is shifting in massive ways. It requires us to be flexible, strong in our ethics and to have courage of conviction. It is too easy to get swept up in fear and start to break down and walk away from our moral compass.

Please stand strong. Remember the image of yourself that you have been working so hard to bring to fruition and stay the course. Care for yourself, tend to your needs but do not lose the core of what makes up your values. This is the time to bring them forth, put them in your heart and project them to the world. We need strength and kindness and love more than ever right now. ❤ ❤

Image by ambermb from Pixabay

Day 26: Heart On A Spit

Have you ever had those days where your heart feels like it’s on a spit? And it’s going round and round and round and getting dizzier and more confused and everyone around it is just slicing a piece off as it turns their direction?

It is taking literally every ounce of energy that I have to keep myself grounded in this moment. Even my friends are hitting hard tonight. I am having to evaluate everything that is being said taking into account what I know about that person, feeling into all the noise. And it’s fucking exhausting. I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball in a hole in the ground and hibernate for a while. Even my dogs are driving me crazy.

That is my day.

And I realize that all of my choices are perpetuating my confusion, my fear, my anger. They are keeping me stagnant. I am not a victim. But I have put myself in some situations (and stayed in situations), and engaged with some people, where I am getting hurt. Repeatedly. And that is on me.

I am having a situation with a guy at work who is one of the biggest narcissists I have ever run into. He is a complete liar. And the worst part is that he believes his own bullshit. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be so consumed with your own false self image that nothing else mattered. I think about how much easier that would be than having a moral compass, cause when you don’t have one you don’t have to give a shit. And I give a shit. About a lot of things and a lot of people. I have to work with him fairly closely at times and after being threatened by him and calling him out on it, he is now trying to turn every situation around so that I am the bad guy. The worst part is that there are messages and communications that prove that he is lying. And I am the one sitting here feeling like I fucked something up, even though I know I didn’t and this is a very broken person with a warped sense of reality.

This kind of emotional drama is so draining. Especially when I am trying to be the bigger person, have the hard conversations, repair the relationship. You simply cannot do that with someone who refuses to be authentic or take responsibility for their actions.

My heart feels like it’s expanding and dying all at the same time.

At the end of the day we are alone, with just ourselves. Our thoughts, actions and feelings define us. Not our jobs, not our financial status or outward success, it is what is inside that really matters. And I, for one, refuse to be anything but the ever expanding, highest version of me. ❤ ❤