Day 76: Rewriting Your Story

I used to think that life was just… how it was. I came from a shitty childhood, life was hard and that was just how it was going to be.

I would see these people and even come across some of them intimately, that just seemed to have it all together. Good things kept happening for them and well, they were just lucky.

I used to think that I was fated to what my life was, that some being bigger than myself had decided I should have a shitty life and that was that. That was the hand I was dealt. I used to really judge and quite frankly, kind of hate those people that just had it all together.

I used to attract people that felt the same and we would sit and lament about how shit our lives were.

My life hasn’t made a complete 180… yet. It has taken a lot of really conscious effort and a lot of self awareness but more and more these days I am feeling things shift. I am seeing progress and results in a way that is tangible and real. I am finding more and more people who are forward focused and I no longer attract the people willing or wanting to sit in shit. The friends I do have who are still here and were my bitching buddies are also working on bettering themselves so we are journeying together and that feels really good. And I am starting to attract some really awesome people in my life. People who have gone through the same darkness that I have and who have come out the other side and transformed their lives. These people serve as guides, mentors and valued friends. When I look around now I can see all of that. Even if I am having a down day, I can see the progress and I can find the good, the strengths, and I can make praise a mindful, daily practice.

Somewhere along the line I accepted that I am writing my story. My decisions have shaped my current reality and I am the only one who can change it. That is such an empowering thought.

Rewriting my story has been… by all accounts…. quite a long process. And I don’t really think there is ever a “being done” with it. I think that people who have been wired to live in fear and darkness find solace there and have to do a daily rewriting, sometimes a minute by minute one but my experience is teaching me that it can become faster and faster and the fear tamed quicker with each successive progression. And it really helps to have friends that can help you see blind spots and steer you towards a better outlook.

Today I see change. I see progress. I feel love and hope and joy. I know these emotions come and go and that darkness will come back to me, but I am not worried about that. I read something that was along the lives of “if you can pull your head from the future, and your heart from the past you will know how to live in the present” and that is what I am doing today. I am being present, enjoying the happiness and just being me. Rewritten. ❤ ❤

Day 56: Moving Through Confusion and Overwhelm

My little brain has been going nonstop today. It has been circling around the same useless arguments and thought patterns.

At some point I got a little tired of it. So I thought to myself, what can I do to shift this even a little? My heart has been totally shut off, like no feeling… .all thinking…

Then I thought back to a client I had this week. She is new to horse ownership and she bought a 3 year old with no training. And man, that little goober is testing her. She has been going around and around and around with what is the BEST training method to use for her desired outcome. She’s tried bits and pieces of all of them and done a lot of bouncing around. I simply reminded her that no matter what the end goal was, she needed to focus on the little actionable steps in the moment and when she was feeling overwhelmed she needed to go back to basics. I told her to make each move about that move.

For fuck’s sake, I give good advice. I should listen to it for myself once in a while.

I was able to take a step back today and bring some space to my situation. I went back to the basics. What do I want? Where is my highest energy? What resources can I find to support my goal?

One of my biggest issues I realize is I don’t have a clear vision of what I want for my future. I have put a ton of energy into wanting a relationship with a man, one that has a deep, earth shattering sort of love component. And I found it. It is, in no way, how I thought it would look. Now that that part has been experienced I am feeling a little adrift. The crazy thing is, I have wanted a relationship all my life, but I have never settled for a love less than what I knew it to be. That love though… it is really chaotic on so many levels right now. Reviewing the relationship and my part in it, I realize that, while I loved how I felt when I was with him, I didn’t love the person that I was turning into in the relationship. I have definitely fallen into old patterns. I have to remember to give myself a little grace though as this is the first time I have dared to even examine these things within the context of an intimate relationship.

So back to the basics.

What do I want? This is a question I ask myself a lot, especially when I am getting into these confusion spirals. Asking what you want, and sometimes even writing it out, can get you out of your head and back into your heart by envisioning the end goal, feeling that spark of inspiration and letting your heart come back on line as your mind quiets. You can then examine what in your life is not supporting that vision and you can make adjustments.

Where is my highest energy? All day today it has been on all of the things wrong with me and how I fuck things up in relationships. It has been on the fear of never finding a mate. It has also been on the fear of not really knowing where my future was headed and not feeling like I had clarity surrounding future goals as so much of me has been focused on finding a partner.

What resources can I find to support my goal? This meant seeking out some things to find clarity.

The example of this process today was….

What do I want… well I don’t want to feel confused and I don’t want to be beating myself up. So what I want is more clarity and self love.

Where is my highest energy? As mentioned above it was on a lot of fear, so I shifted it to focus on all of the positive things that I bring to a relationship. Or… I wanted to.. but was finding that a little hard to do for myself. I was also focused on how confused I was, and I wanted to shift over to some clarity with regard to myself and where I want my life to take me.

What resources can help support me?

  • I went online and did a strength finder assessment. It sounds a little silly, but doing this not only opened my eyes to what I do bring to personal relationships but it also highlighted some things about me that I didn’t realize about how I work with others and my leadership style. This helped calm some of the voices that were swirling around telling me how much of a fuck up I am.
  • I have also been feeling really weird about starting this coaching program as I feel my life is a bit of a mess at the moment, but I went through some of the exercises and realized that right now I can make this about me and my personal growth and it will help define clarity surrounding professional goals.
  • I scheduled a meeting with another coach who specializes in self love so that I can get a broader perspective on my assets and some more actionable steps to take to be a little nicer to me.
  • I reached out to a friend. Not so much for support in this situation but to have that human connection to get me out of my head and open my heart to another person.
  • I did some breathing exercises to help realign heart and mind.
  • I took a nap.
  • I cooked myself some nourishing food and remembered one of my goals is my health. I acknowledged that even though I was feeling crappy I wasn’t sacrificing what I wanted most (to feel healthier and out of chronic issues) for what I wanted now (a cupcake). That made me see some of the progress I have made, which is damn hard to find in oneself sometimes.

It’s now the end of the day and I can look back and say pretty honestly, that I am proud of myself. I am much better able to see when I am getting overwhelmed and I am starting to make shifts to change it. I am also starting to seek out resources without even knowing it, this adds a layer of trust in myself and gratitude that I am altering some of these subconscious patterns and neural pathways. That actually feels like a really big win.

I still struggle a lot with mindset still and some days the thought of turning my sadness into happiness seems monumental even though it is empowering to know I can change it. Sometimes I shift it and sometimes I don’t. Each choice is valid and useful. Today I didn’t totally get out of my funk, but I did move a lot of it around and was able to clarify some perspectives and solidify some of my future vision which ultimately gives me the next steps to take. Then the secret is focusing on those steps and forgetting about the end vision and letting step one reveal step two and so on. When overwhelm and fear kicks in again, one has only to zoom out and realize vision again, activate the heart and keep moving. ❤ ❤

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay