Taking Stock

This stay at home, quarantine situation is a great time to take stock of what you have in your life, what you love, what you hate and everything in between.

I am finding the longer I am in isolation, the clearer things are becoming about what situations and people I want in my life. It is almost as if I have gone back to a base operating state…sort of a neutral system where the “good” and the “bad” are a bit clearer to recognize.

One thing I have seen is that my relationships need some adjusting. I am not really happy or satisfied with any of them with the people I consider close in my life. The people I don’t interact with are still clearly appropriate choices. Some of the people I do interact with are needing some cleaning up as far as our relationship is concerned and there is some room for new blood in the mix.

Being in isolation has also made me realize just how much I would like to have a solid romantic relationship. Someone to be there for the hard times as well as the good. Just someone HERE. Solidly and consistently. This does not mean running back to toxic patterns, but opening space for something new to come in and honoring that which no longer serves me. These steps are becoming clearer and clearer.

I am finding that with these revelations about what I want that my tolerance for the things and situations and people that I don’t want is extraordinarily low. Kind of scary low. I am taking as much space for myself as I possibly can and finding ways to avoid interacting with people that are not bringing some joy or love in my life. Unfortunately, not getting what I need from my relationships means I either need to adjust my expectations or I need to start culling people from my life. I am best at the latter. Those decisions are being carved out as well.

I am also seeing a lot around my work environment….. being separated as much as I have for as long as I have has not made me miss work, like, at all… So something needs to change there.

That is the great thing about having so much time to evaluate life. There is a quote floating around about getting back to normal but making sure that normal is worth running back to… something along those lines and I love the sentiment.

What is the point of being gifted this time if not to evaluate what is working, what isn’t working and finding the strength and gumption to make adjustments in life?

Use your time wisely, make life what you want it to be. ❤ ❤

Image by Myriam Zilles from Pixabay

The Trauma of Birth

Birth is messy.

Blood, sweat, tears… pain, until one final push and suddenly your world is forever altered. There is no turning back… only the unsure forward march, each step gaining traction in the world.

Birth is the same for everything in nature, whether we are talking childbirth, a personal rebirth or the creation of a more balanced world. There is always pain, blood, sweat, tears.

As I watch what’s happening in the world I see the messy, ferocity that nature is bestowing upon us. The beauty of the brutal swiftness that occurs when things shift too far off balance. The realization that what looks messy is actually perfect in its design and execution. I see the painful contractions that push us into new ways of thinking and of being. New ways that are really just a step back to our more instinctual, in tune selves.

With each swell of destruction, each tornado, earthquake, viral epidemic, I watch in awe and feel every particle of fear and hope and everything in between, that come with each crash. Each soul that is intimately effected is connected to the next and the next at its core of the oneness that we are. Each wave comes closer and faster until we learn to flow with them, to adjust ourselves so that we can learn from these lessons and come to shore stronger.

We are being asked to connect. Connect back to nature, back to our innate intelligence, back to our hearts.

As I sit on my cold bathroom floor, bundled in a towel, tears on my face, I know, very clearly that I am being drawn back to my own connection. One that has been so buried for so many years that each feeling of inspiration, each whisper of intuition feels like an elusive gift wrapped in gold and dissolvable the second it comes into my awareness. I grasp on to these moments, not daring to believe that this is me. This is love. And it is available to me always if I just choose to believe in what I am. The harder I clench the faster they dissolve until finally with surrender they settle like rays of sun on naked skin.

I have had a lot of time on my hands. Time to be quiet. To be reflective. To evaluate the steps that brought me to where I am. To create the next steps. To choose to live. To become who I am meant to be. To appreciate my journey and know that there is no destination and that is the beauty in living. I know that whatever lies ahead is not something I can comprehend because I have never dared to live a life freely and openly, me.

Rebirth is messy.

And as nature is forcing us all to take a minute to do a personal inventory and realign our lives with our values, I am right there with her, amidst the agony, the fear, the despair, allowing myself to shift and contract, to open to myself, to be reborn.

I would encourage all of you to do the same. Look inside and see where your connection to your power has been fractured. Where it has been shoved into boxes of societal and familial expectation. Where your dreams lie dormant waiting for a breath of courage and grit to bring them to the surface. Nature is playing in her rebirth and she is inviting you to do the same. ❤ ❤

The Value of Discomfort

I was in my coaching program class today and the instructor, who is someone whose work I value, said something that made me pause, and it is something that many a personal development influencer will say. He said we should ALWAYS strive to live at a high frequency. That we should not allow ourselves lower frequency emotions and this is the way to create an attracting state.

I understand the sentiment. However, I think there is great value in having “negative” emotions or lower frequency ones. If we didn’t have them 1. we would not be able to recognize, appreciate or even understand what “higher”frequency was because there would be no contrast (duality) and 2. most of us need that discomfort to move through the world. It is in that discomfort that we seek the elevated living states (perspectives and duality).

I am really tired of being told I just need to choose to be happy and all my problems will be solved. This fucked me up for a long time because any time I would have a “bad” emotion (anger, jealousy fear, panic, worry) I would go okay but be happy, plaster a smile on my face and fail miserably. It was like trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker. Sometimes you have to let some god damn steam out.

We have these emotions for a reason! They have just as much value as the positive ones, more when we are talking about self transformation. It is the discomfort that inspires us into action, inspires us to change. No, we are not meant to live in these states, and that is when we get into trouble, but these feelings have tremendous value.

I have also heard these emotions described as the “pseudo” self among the therapy circles and fuck that language seems so detrimental to me. To say that feeling anger is your “false” self, no! My anger is my anger. It drives me to create, to make changes, to move. It is as much a part of me as my “solid” self. There isn’t a fake and a real self. There is only the frequency that you are emitting now and the elevated (or lower) frequency that you are transforming too. But it is all, gloriously, deeply, ME.

Can you imagine if there was no fear, no worry, no jealousy, no hate in this world? I think that not having those would mean we were unable to fully appreciate the good times. I think it would get boring. We can use the example of this virus. I think that most of us were living with a base frequency that had become used to or complacent to the noise in the world, the wars, the death, the hostility. Now that we have this silent assailant who is not picky about age, gender, race or religion and suddenly we are seeing our collective humanity again, and we are coming together as PEOPLE. This would not have happened without this damn virus spreading across the globe. Without the perspective of just how shitty and scary this is, we would not be enjoying time with family and friends or singing with neighbors on balconies or in hospital corridors (with the appropriate 6 feet of distance of course :)). Instead, we would have continued as we were. While the collective is scared and worried and panicked, there is also an elevation happening, a deepening of the love and joy and pleasure that we are experiencing in this time.

The real trick in all of this is knowing what to do with discomfort and honestly, that is something I am still figuring out.

One of the things I do though is use duality and perspective shifts to help me figure out what I need. For example: I’m having a lot of anxiety going out to do my job right now as I feel others are not taking this viral threat as serious as I am. Then I ask, “why am I having that anxiety” and realize it is because I have been sick so I feel more vulnerable than I normally would. Then I have something to work with. I could go around being pissed off and wanting people to change their own behavior OR I can recognize what is happening and figure out what I can do to fix it. I bought masks, I increased my cleaning protocols. Anxiety, decreased.

This can be done with anything really. I am sad about my ex. Why am I sad? Because I feel alone. What can I do to feel less alone? Call some friends, go on a walk and meet some neighbors etc.

I get it, things don’t always feel that cut and dry for me either. But by breaking down our emotions in this way we are able to recognize steps and take them. Each step geared towards moving away from the discomfort and towards an elevated state.

And let me go off on a tangent for a second to say this is what is so fucked about so much of personal development. It isn’t pretty to tell you it takes some fucking work and balls of steel to move through this stuff. It takes grit and determination and some days you are going to lose the battle. I have been around and heard so many times, just be happy and for me it makes me feel like my other feelings aren’t valid. There is no faster way to shut down a conversation with someone in the thick of things than to tell them “hey it isn’t all bad, I know you have a gun in your mouth, but look at that sunshine, just be happy!” No. No. NO. In those moments we have to help people to cultivate an iota of space so that they can find the strength to take another breath, another step. This is done by validating their feelings and seeing them completely and being able to sit with them as they walk through fire.

You can’t have good without bad, love without hate, cold without warm. We need the lower frequencies as much as we need the higher. We need the darkness to be able to see the light. It’s all about how we use them that creates a platform for transformation and the joy that is the human experience. ❤ ❤

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Moving The Sludge

Man. The last couple of days have been kind of tough.

I have been waiting for test results for COVID as I have been sick. And they came back negative. I should be relieved but there is a part of me that isn’t. A part of me that wishes I had it so that I could know I had a mild case and I survived and had some immunity and could potentially help others through donating plasma.

I am trying not to let the fear get me. But going back out into the world with a compromised immune system, likely bronchitis, in the wake of a pandemic that attacks the respiratory system… to care for horses….seems fucking pointless and a little stupid to me right now.

I have had a grip on my fear, but as this touches closer and closer to me it is hard to move away from it all. People are really scared. A buddy of mine text me tonight with updates from his friend in NYC where things are really bad. I feel his fear in my heart, his hopelessness at not being able to do more for his friend. It cuts deeply into my humanity.

And I remind myself that this is also nature balancing itself out. That we will survive this. Not all of us will make it, but we will, as a whole, survive.

This has got me thinking a lot about my own mortality and whether or not I would be happy with the life I have lived here. And I honestly don’t know the answer to that. Sometimes I think yes, I am done here. Sometimes the answer is no.

I got into a bit of a sludge today. Part sprang from the above questions, part from this sickness that’s descended on my body. There were tears, lots of them. Loneliness. Stagnation. There was also confusion about what to do, what to think, how to feel.

So I did the only thing that I knew would shift some of this. I moved my body.

Sometimes when we can do nothing else we have to remember we can always take a step. It doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect or “right,” it just has to be motion.

Ten minutes of weights, some ab exercises and head stands and I was feeling better. Then I made some fresh juice and a nice meal and I didn’t feel so stuck anymore.

I don’t have the answers to the above questions. I still don’t know what is right or wrong and I am a hot mess in my life most of the time. But I do know that moving helps. So when I need to break the cycle of torturous thoughts, I move.

We are in a time of survival. Something that many of us have never had to face, not in this way. When we are in survival mode we go back to base instincts. To break this we have to breathe. We have to move, we have do something creative or constructive. Some of us have to prepare to feel safe, some of us have to create art or music. Some of us just need to move. Whatever that looks like for you, it’s perfect.

As I look around, in this moment, I know I am safe. I can relax and breath and enjoy my dogs and the flowers that are starting to peak through the dirt. I can feel the Earth under my feet and marvel at the beauty of nature.

I am safe. I am strong. I am choosing something other than fear. ❤ ❤