Day 57: Keeping the Faith

I am not a religious person and I have traditionally associated faith with religion. Faith just means a strong trust or confidence in something.

Tonight I have to have faith that I will show up for myself. I have to have faith that I am strong enough. I have to have faith that everything will work out like it is meant to. I have to have faith that my journey so far is exactly where I need to be.

Keeping the faith isn’t for the weak of heart. It is a deep journey into oneself. It travels beyond fear and into another dimension of love and trust that is pure beyond the human experience.

Faith is love. Open your heart and realize you are more than enough. ❤ ❤

Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay

Day 56: Moving Through Confusion and Overwhelm

My little brain has been going nonstop today. It has been circling around the same useless arguments and thought patterns.

At some point I got a little tired of it. So I thought to myself, what can I do to shift this even a little? My heart has been totally shut off, like no feeling… .all thinking…

Then I thought back to a client I had this week. She is new to horse ownership and she bought a 3 year old with no training. And man, that little goober is testing her. She has been going around and around and around with what is the BEST training method to use for her desired outcome. She’s tried bits and pieces of all of them and done a lot of bouncing around. I simply reminded her that no matter what the end goal was, she needed to focus on the little actionable steps in the moment and when she was feeling overwhelmed she needed to go back to basics. I told her to make each move about that move.

For fuck’s sake, I give good advice. I should listen to it for myself once in a while.

I was able to take a step back today and bring some space to my situation. I went back to the basics. What do I want? Where is my highest energy? What resources can I find to support my goal?

One of my biggest issues I realize is I don’t have a clear vision of what I want for my future. I have put a ton of energy into wanting a relationship with a man, one that has a deep, earth shattering sort of love component. And I found it. It is, in no way, how I thought it would look. Now that that part has been experienced I am feeling a little adrift. The crazy thing is, I have wanted a relationship all my life, but I have never settled for a love less than what I knew it to be. That love though… it is really chaotic on so many levels right now. Reviewing the relationship and my part in it, I realize that, while I loved how I felt when I was with him, I didn’t love the person that I was turning into in the relationship. I have definitely fallen into old patterns. I have to remember to give myself a little grace though as this is the first time I have dared to even examine these things within the context of an intimate relationship.

So back to the basics.

What do I want? This is a question I ask myself a lot, especially when I am getting into these confusion spirals. Asking what you want, and sometimes even writing it out, can get you out of your head and back into your heart by envisioning the end goal, feeling that spark of inspiration and letting your heart come back on line as your mind quiets. You can then examine what in your life is not supporting that vision and you can make adjustments.

Where is my highest energy? All day today it has been on all of the things wrong with me and how I fuck things up in relationships. It has been on the fear of never finding a mate. It has also been on the fear of not really knowing where my future was headed and not feeling like I had clarity surrounding future goals as so much of me has been focused on finding a partner.

What resources can I find to support my goal? This meant seeking out some things to find clarity.

The example of this process today was….

What do I want… well I don’t want to feel confused and I don’t want to be beating myself up. So what I want is more clarity and self love.

Where is my highest energy? As mentioned above it was on a lot of fear, so I shifted it to focus on all of the positive things that I bring to a relationship. Or… I wanted to.. but was finding that a little hard to do for myself. I was also focused on how confused I was, and I wanted to shift over to some clarity with regard to myself and where I want my life to take me.

What resources can help support me?

  • I went online and did a strength finder assessment. It sounds a little silly, but doing this not only opened my eyes to what I do bring to personal relationships but it also highlighted some things about me that I didn’t realize about how I work with others and my leadership style. This helped calm some of the voices that were swirling around telling me how much of a fuck up I am.
  • I have also been feeling really weird about starting this coaching program as I feel my life is a bit of a mess at the moment, but I went through some of the exercises and realized that right now I can make this about me and my personal growth and it will help define clarity surrounding professional goals.
  • I scheduled a meeting with another coach who specializes in self love so that I can get a broader perspective on my assets and some more actionable steps to take to be a little nicer to me.
  • I reached out to a friend. Not so much for support in this situation but to have that human connection to get me out of my head and open my heart to another person.
  • I did some breathing exercises to help realign heart and mind.
  • I took a nap.
  • I cooked myself some nourishing food and remembered one of my goals is my health. I acknowledged that even though I was feeling crappy I wasn’t sacrificing what I wanted most (to feel healthier and out of chronic issues) for what I wanted now (a cupcake). That made me see some of the progress I have made, which is damn hard to find in oneself sometimes.

It’s now the end of the day and I can look back and say pretty honestly, that I am proud of myself. I am much better able to see when I am getting overwhelmed and I am starting to make shifts to change it. I am also starting to seek out resources without even knowing it, this adds a layer of trust in myself and gratitude that I am altering some of these subconscious patterns and neural pathways. That actually feels like a really big win.

I still struggle a lot with mindset still and some days the thought of turning my sadness into happiness seems monumental even though it is empowering to know I can change it. Sometimes I shift it and sometimes I don’t. Each choice is valid and useful. Today I didn’t totally get out of my funk, but I did move a lot of it around and was able to clarify some perspectives and solidify some of my future vision which ultimately gives me the next steps to take. Then the secret is focusing on those steps and forgetting about the end vision and letting step one reveal step two and so on. When overwhelm and fear kicks in again, one has only to zoom out and realize vision again, activate the heart and keep moving. ❤ ❤

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Day 55: The Fear of Not Belonging

I think, at a core level, all of us have a fear of not belonging.

It makes complete biological sense. In ancient civilizations being an outcast meant certain death. Even in modern times we see this play out with the LBGTQ community and various other “factions.” As a society we are becoming more accepting overall with pockets of increased polarization. The more people express their differences, the more often they tend to find people with the same qualities or interests and a tribe can be formed.

And then there are the people like me who aren’t exceedingly “different” by traditional standards but have never fit in. As a young child I remember thinking that I didn’t have a family and certainly didn’t belong in the one that I was dropped into. I remember longing for someone to come tell me that I was adopted because I felt so different. I was not one of those people who made themselves fit in socially, I am far too introverted for that and so easily exhausted around “faking” things and groups of people. What I did to fit in was learn to read people, anticipate needs and give them everything that I could so that, maybe, they would reciprocate love. I wanted so badly to feel like I belonged… somewhere. Belonging to me equaled love.

I learned really quickly how to show up, for men mostly. I knew their fears, their insecurities and how to make them feel loved. That’s the thing about me, I love masculine energy. I think it is so often squashed in our society. I think a lot of times men are confused on how to act and what to say and think and feel. We all want to feel powerful and I meet few men who truly feel that in themselves. I see that energy and that power and that capacity and I love to help bring that out. And I am pretty good at it. It has gotten to a point in my life though where it is almost second nature. This isn’t a bad thing, except that I often point my energy into situations where men are feeling particularly vulnerable or unappreciated and this takes a fair amount of energy for me to do. Sometimes I pull from my reserves to help boost them, often times I don’t even realize I am doing it. As I write this it makes me wonder if my boosting them up leaves me hoping they will be the knight in shining armor that I am looking for who will save me from this world and show me a place where I feel loved.

What I have failed to do in this life though, is show up for myself. I am always saving someone. People are drawn to me, they like to be vulnerable, tell me their story, lean in for support, and while I think, ultimately, that is my gift in this world, I have depleted myself so much in unhealthy ways that I cannot even find the capacity to show up like I need to. I have completely neglected showing up for me. I have traded myself for the hope that I would fit in somewhere, with someone.

I did this with Mr. X. I’m having a really tough go of the emotional processing today.

I have heard this from many men “I didn’t ask you to do all of that for me.” It is usually followed by “I don’t need your support, I don’t need anyone.” To hear those words coming from the mouth of Mr. X was heart wrenching. He is different and elevated in so many ways, but those lines, those I have heard before. It isn’t untrue. These men don’t ask for me to do things for them, but they do love how it feels and keep coming back for more. And it is also true that once they are boosted they don’t need my support, but hearing how that is said to me, I immediately translate that to “I don’t want you anymore, you’re not worthy of being in my life.” Then I take that in, I place it in my heart, I go back through all of the conversations and scenarios and I sweep up all of the blame for myself. I play the martyr card and the victim card in the hopes that they will grab the knight card and play it one last time. I am still waiting for someone to save me. When what I really need is to save myself. I need to stop waiting to fit in and just own my weirdo place in this world. I need to accept that I have something to offer that other people don’t. I have to realize that I am special and I don’t need HUGE dramatic acts of sacrifice from other people on my behalf to see what is special about me. These interactions, while well-intentioned most of the time, are toxic and do not allow a person’s real power to be expressed. I do it to the men in my life, they do it to me. It is a spin cycle. I find men that need healing and need to feel like a hero then I allow myself to be the victim. It’s toxic and dysfunctional. Things with Mr. X were not far off that script. The difference lies in the fact that he took less than he could have,he is making room for me in his life and he always supports me in my growth even if it means he gets hurt in the process. For me the difference is that I am trying not to walk away from a love that isn’t showing up like I want it to. I am really good at walking. We are both encouraging the other to be better. We both love each other deeply. And we will figure out a way to exist together. This is not always pretty and it certainly isn’t easy. Sometimes it means really strict, difficult to swallow boundaries and a trust that I am not sure I am even capable of having.

It feels incredibly scary to think that I have lost him. With him, I belong. I feel like I am home. I feel… entitled to him because of how we show up for each other. But the truth is, I am not entitled to anything, any more than he is entitled to any part of me. We are our own people. We belong to ourselves individually. We show up for us. We answer to ourselves. We do things by our own code of ethics. Mr. X is fabulous at showing up for him. He does so brutally at times. Me, I am still learning. I have to remind myself that I haven’t lost him. I just have to adjust my expectations of our relationship. I do this repeatedly on a loop, second after second. I am still waiting for it to sink in enough that it feels true. The empowering and also shit thing is that it is really up to me. I know he will be there. I know he wants me in his life. It is all up to me to get over my shit that decides whether I lose him or whether I gain a friend. It is a battle royale between head and heart right now.

I spend a lot of nights looking up at the stars. Sometimes I drop into a meditative state and travel around the galaxy. When I come back to earth I always think to myself, I can’t wait to be home.

The thing is though, everything on this earth is made of the same energy. “Going home” simply means being devoured back into the eternal soup that creates all life on this earth. It means that we lose the separation from that soup that allows us to experience this human life. If we are brave enough to look around we can see that we are connected to everything and everyone. We are all from the same blueprint. Logically I know this, even viscerally I know this, but it doesn’t take away from the deep well of isolation that I feel. To be connected to someone, to feel their heart beating next to yours, to feel their gentle breath on the back of your neck, this… this is bliss to me. This is home. This is belonging.

The tricky thing is that one has to belong to themselves first before they can fully relax and enjoy the fruits of belonging with another. ❤ ❤

Image by Patricia Alexandre from Pixabay

Day 54: Letting Go

Two simple words. Let. Go. Open your hands, your heart, your mind and let the energy flow. In and out, up and down. Letting go means not trying to dictate scenarios. It means trusting that things will work out. It means setting something down and walking away knowing that you gave it the right amount of soil and water and sun needed for growth.

Letting go can be really fucking hard. The more you want it, the more elusive it will be. The more you resist the pain and anger and energy, the more it will hold on. One has only to step back, create some space from the thoughts and emotions and let them be. Process them in the time that it takes, and only then will there be freedom.

Nature is amazing at letting go. A tree blooms in summer’s glory and as fall approaches and the leaves wither and die they are released easily into the wind. The tree goes dormant for the winter all the while preparing itself for the next cycle. We, as humans, struggle so much with the expiration, the detachment, the trusting that life will restore itself.

Letting go can be very, very scary. Especially when talking about a relationship or another person. It requires trusting that there is enough soil there for the flower to bloom again. It is trusting that that person loves you enough to come back, because words are just meaningless capsules filled in with context. Letting go requires walking into an abyss where steps are not lit and there’s no way to know what lies at your feet. Letting go means trusting that there is something worthwhile once you have traversed the darkness of the unknown.

It doesn’t seem like it should be hard to let go. Everything that has happened in my life, the things I have let go of, have all worked out. I haven’t regretted those decisions and the people that were meant to be in my life are in it. All of the lessons learned have brought me to the place I am today which is an elevation from where I started so there has been a continual upward trend. Letting go of the one person who opened your heart, who showed you it was okay to just be you, who loved you with all he was capable at the time, that… that is not easy.

But…. the situation is out of my control. Playing back all of the past conversations does me no good and only serves to confuse my heart and my mind even more. Letting go is releasing what you hoped so hard that the outcome would be. It is creating space for a new beginning.

Letting go can’t be rushed, and the words alone aren’t enough. One has to actually feel as though they have let go before the space can be created for something else.

Letting go means choosing perspectives that are beneficial to us. It means accepting that things won’t always work out as desired but knowing that they will work out. Letting go means processing energy and not letting it stagnate. It means ending the cycle of wishing and wanting and just learning to accept what is. Letting go is forgiving all parties, including yourself and wrapping yourself in so much love that there is no choice but to be okay and keep moving.

What does this all mean in practical steps?

Letting go is moving your body. It’s journaling or crying or boxing or running. It’s sitting with you and allowing your thoughts to come and correcting the ones that are trying to tell you your self worth is tied to that person or that situation. It means accepting that you alone are enough. It means taking care of yourself and gently ushering yourself through the stages of grief. It is remembering all of the good and putting that love in your heart for later use. Letting go means to keep moving, especially when all you want to do is curl up in the dirt and hibernate for the rest of eternity. Letting go is knowing that every storm runs out of rain. Letting go is focusing on the moment you are in, and then the next and then the next, even if it is just a second at a time. It is staying present when you want to run back to the past. It is being in your body and mind and loving all of you. It means knowing you showed up the best that you knew how and now that you know better you can show up differently.

Letting go means walking away and knowing the flower will bloom if it is meant to. ❤ ❤

Image by Wow Phochiangrak from Pixabay

Day 53: The Strength and Brutality of Anger

I woke up today in a blind rage. Actually, whatever emotion is stronger than blind rage, that is what I felt. I feel like Kali, best known as the goddess of destruction.

It isn’t just anger actually, that is just the one that I am letting to the surface, and I will explain why. If I dig past the anger there is so much confusion about me and Mr. X. There is an incredible amount of fear that I will never find as deep a connection, there is a pain in my chest that dropped me to my knees when I realized I would probably never again have his lips against mine. There is a deep pain of rejection of who I am and what I have to offer, and SO much confusion. It all stems, once again, from attachment to an outcome and super high expectations of someone that, while he did better than a lot of people, still did many of the things that everyone has when my heart has dared to eek open. I should probably stop expecting something different and change how I am showing up.

The really hard part of personal growth is that when you know that thought patterns are fucked up you become less able to trust yourself. So, for me, I find people that I think I can trust and I see how they see the world. Inevitably in relationships you run into friction and this is when things get tricky. If I say I am feeling angry and here’s why, past history with Mr. X specifically and indeed all of the men that I am drawn to, is that they come back and say, “well why, that isn’t my perspective.” Then suddenly I think okay, well maybe I am wrong and maybe this is me having a bad thought pattern. And I see so clearly their perspective, and also mine… and then I get super confused about what is real or right. When in reality what is real and right is our own perspective which doesn’t always jive with our partner’s. We have to be picky about what we choose to take on as our own and do so only if it aligns with our growth goals.

I am really confused about the last few weeks with Mr. X in my life and I am trying so hard to process and make sense of it. If I talk to other people I am met with very loud and firm opinions and it is almost overloads my system. If I talk to him I end up feeling incredibly lost and like my thinking is so fucked up that there’s no way it can be right, and I end up having no clue where to turn. I swirl around in this place of confusion and angst so thick that I can’t move and I can’t breathe.

This is where the anger comes in. I am angry at him, at myself, at this entire situation.

Anger can be all consuming and it can make a person dumb. It can also create movement and drive, and sometimes that is what is needed. Harness the anger and take a step. The anger may not be totally appropriate. It may not be at all accurate from someone else’s point of view, but it is mine. It is what I feel and it is making me drag myself along. Truthfully, it doesn’t even matter what the direction is as long as there is motion. Those other emotions, the confusion and the pain, if I choose those they will keep me locked in a prison of misery with the feeling of acid burning a hole in my heart.

Anger is not always the best to latch on to. It can make us do stupid things and it can wreck shop. It can destroy relationships with the touch of a word. It is a really fine line to travel between empowerment and destruction. Sometimes though it gives enough energy back into the system to help propel it forward… or sideways or backwards but it gets the energy moving. The trick here is to not get lost in it, to not bring it into the heart where it can sit and fester. The anger is there to move through, to propel motion and then exit. It isn’t meant to be recycled again and again and again.

That is the part I am currently struggling with. The letting go. I have been sitting in this anger all day even though I made decisions and took firm action this morning, and to be honest, it is making me completely exhausted. That’s the problem with anger. It requires a lot of fuel to keep up, and that fuel can only come from inside and once that energy starts burning it is very hot and very quick. Anger has a very real place in the world. There are no “bad” emotions except the ones you get lost in and consumed by. In the interest of not falling victim to consumption it’s time to let this subside and turn attention to what I want next. And once that is decided, I will push forward, brutally and with abandon until I have every last particle of the life I want to lead. That means leaving behind everyone else’s wants, opinions, advice…. and instead choosing how I want my life to be, because nothing is set in stone, we decide the meaning and ultimately we decide how we create our existence. Even when we have created the biggest stinking pile of shit ever seen, it is never too late to start building something different. ❤ ❤

Image by SAFA TUNCEL from Pixabay

Day 52: The Energetic Door Slam

Okay, technically it’s day 53. I didn’t write last night. I was in the throes of emotional agony and firmly adhered to my bathroom floor.

I am fascinated by my Myers-Briggs type right now. I am not sure why this is coming up, likely because I am still trying to find all these little pieces of me that have been scattered about my life. I wrote about my “personality type” here.

Anyways…. I have always been a runner. Nope, not physical runner though I did do that for a time, but I mean a runner in life. When things get “bad” in one place I pack up and go and start over again. This is a repeat pattern for me. I realized a while ago that running and not dealing with things means I find myself in the same situations. Maybe I’ll write more about this tomorrow. As I was reading about the INFJ personality type I came across this article about the INFJ door slam. What is a door slam? Basically it’s shutting someone out of your life, there are some that think INFJs are more likely to door slam and do it harsher than other personality types, some think there is no difference. I can only speak from personal experience and for me I am well versed in cutting people off emotionally.

In my life, love takes a long time to die, it’s a really long road, but once I reach the end it’s really hard to come back. The door shuts, firmly. There are times when the door shuts and there is no amount of knocking that will ever open it again, and then there are times the emotional door shuts but I keep in contact with the person in question. What happens to that love? I like to think each person has their own container, labeled for them. Some have a HUGE container, some have a teenie tiny one. The love that is in those containers doesn’t ever die. It can’t really, but the flow can be cut off totally so there is not even a shred of outgoing light and that love can be redirected.

It’s an interesting phenomenon too because INFJs, in general, are super sensitive and feel really really deeply, which means that things said can cut deep and have a lasting impact. Often times the person who is making the cuts doesn’t realize the damage that is being done and then when the door shuts they can find themselves confused about what happened or why it happened. I am experiencing this with my mother actually. She has asked me to tell her what she did wrong to elicit me setting boundaries. The truth is she hasn’t done one big thing, it’s more a series of small indiscretions for decades that have resulted in an avalanche of emotional shit between us. The reason the door is even cracked at this point is because she doesn’t know how her behavior effected me and my job as an introvert and as just… a decent human… is to communicate when there are issues. Of course, as a child in an abusive home, these are not conversations that happen. It would be so easy for me to close this door, and a few others in my life. And I will to those that become too toxic to tolerate, but this isn’t something that can or should be done lightly.

The thing that I am struggling with at the moment is how to maintain boundaries and still forgive people. I have this warped sense of forgiveness and this fear that to forgive someone means to open your entire heart to them. I haven’t figured out how to manage giving acceptably sized chunks of my heart, it is kind of all or nothing, and I haven’t figured out how to shift the relationship to something different. Fundamentally, I think people are doing the best with the knowledge they have and they make decisions and take the best actions with all of the information and wisdom that they possess. This doesn’t excuse bad behavior but it does take into account all of the warped conditioning people are subject to, the lies they tell themselves and all of the other fucked up cognitive distortions they have. We all do the best we can.

Sometimes the door needs to be closed temporarily. Sometimes it is like there is a tune up that is needed. The door needs to shut to close off all of the noise and confusion and to reset the relationship. This does not feel good. For me or for the other person, but it is in those painful decisions that a healthier set point can be obtained (I think…. I’ve never actually successfully navigated this but… I find myself trying).

That’s where I am at with Mr. X. For as much as we love each other and as much of an amazing connection that we have, love alone isn’t enough. When one person is so profoundly in love with another the switch to friendship can be a very long road. Right now my heart hurts deeper than I ever knew it could. It is a panicked, gut wrenching, not hungry, can’t sleep feeling, but the door needs to stay shut, until a time when I can open it with my heart in check and those feelings in a box. I don’t know if or when it will happen, and all I can do right now is process this situation. It is a death and rebirth all at the same time. Each step taken, not knowing if the next will be under my feet.

Sophocles wrote ” One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: the word is love.” When love with another causes that pain the only thing one can do is look inward. Find the love that exists in the heart, bring it to the surface and shower yourself with it. Realize that the pain is taking you somewhere. Somewhere different, somewhere clearer and ultimately somewhere better.

Hearts are the most painful thing to break, and they take the longest to heal.

Stay strong, friends. Shower yourself with your love, you’re worth it. ❤ ❤

Day 51: The Solitary Traveler

Isolation. It’s a word that strikes fear in many. So many people that I talk to cannot stand the thought of being alone. They bounce from one relationship to another, one event to another, one text to another…

The irony of this life is that while we need each other to have fulfillment, we all travel our paths alone. Our journey to transformation is a solitary one. There is no right or wrong way to go, as long as there is motion. Stagnation is the enemy of growth.

My journey has been exceptionally lonely the last few days. My team of supportive friends has all been occupied with other endeavors, and I am happy for them. It kind of amplifies the silence though, and I realize that for once in my life, there is silence. Usually I have voices going round and round in my head tangling things up and mucking about. In an interview with Russell Brand, Ed Stafford (an English explorer and survivalist) told this story about Australian aboriginals and their belief that we have three brains. The first is instinct and lives in the gut and is the largest brain. The second is the heart which houses emotions, and the third… the smallest…. the logical brain. They call it…. something like “nondopido”. I am sure I am butchering the spelling. The word that they use is the same as a fishing net that is tangled beyond repair. According to Stafford, they believe that we, in the Western world, live in the logical brain and this is the reason for all of our strife and discontent. I have to say I agree wholeheartedly. The uncomfortable part for me right now is that the voices are much quieter than they were, so that familiarity is gone. The logical brain is quieting and I keep waiting for my heart turn over, to pick up the slack and it has its moments but sometimes there is just… nothing. We aren’t even going to talk about my gut… that needs some more sorting out before it’s working optimally.

As children we are taught very early on that education and book learning is superior. Success means going to college and getting a degree. I subscribed to that thinking my entire life, and now I find myself, on the verge of 36, in a profession that took me forever to get through all of the academic hurdles, only to realize that I feel mostly dead inside. I feel like all of my creativity has been extinguished. Finding things that make me heart light up are few and far between and when it does happen it is this small cracking that is almost incomprehensible. It’s hard to identify. The only time it hasn’t been, in as long as I can remember, was with Mr. X. Meeting him was this massive flood of love, my heart opened without question and dared to show itself in public with him at my side. Right now, I am without Mr. X, I am taking a much needed break because the confusion of our situation has caused me to reach a threshold. If I listen to my heart it wants to jump in with both feet. If I listen to my head it tells me to walk away. My guts… well they are in their own stratosphere. It is as if my systems aren’t talking to each other and there are these little short circuits that keep happening. I know that what I really need to do right now is focus on me. And stepping away for a while is allowing me to do that. It isn’t by choice, and I haven’t gone easily. I know it is the right thing to do, and a huge part of me has known this was coming for a while (maybe that’s my gut talking) but I really didn’t want to listen. It hurt my heart too much. When I look at it that way maybe my systems are talking louder than I thought, I am just ignoring them.

Back to the silence.

I had a moment today where I was able to drop pretty easily into a meditation. Thoughts came and went, but none stuck and for a second I felt connected. This is always a wonderful feeling. Then there was a flash of light and a warming over me that I know is love. Then nothing. No light, no darkness really, no thought, no spark of the heart, just this endless abyss. It wasn’t really scary, it was just… lonely. It felt like an in between place. I feel like I have been here for a really long time. Maybe the slowing of the voices is paving way for clarity. Maybe it is space to be able to take the next steps. I really don’t know at this point.

What I do know is that if my story can help anyone then I want to facilitate it. I know that I start a coaching program this week. I know that in order to help people my heart has to be open and I know that my heart opens very little around other people. Quite frankly I am scared that I won’t be able to access that level of love and caring that I need to be useful to humanity. It happens with animals because, well, they are animals. There is no fear, no insecurity, no judgement… just love. To do the same with people… I’m honestly not sure that I am capable of that. For as long as I can remember I have been looking for a place to dock my heart, a place where it can safely open and I have always felt that was with another person. I wasn’t wrong. But I also know that if I cannot be the safety that my heart needs that my gifts will never be fully available to the world. They will always be behind a veil. Can I be successful that way as a coach? Probably. I think there are a lot of people hiding behind curtains, but for me to consider myself a success I have to be able to show up completely authentically.

My only focus on this program right now is completing each step and each exercise to the best of my ability. I have no idea what the future looks like, and having another career in place allows me to be comfortable with that unknown. It also allows to me to just… focus on me. Use the tools on myself, see what works and what doesn’t and I know by doing that I will grow in the process.

The internal journey may be solitary, but in writing this I am reminded I am not alone. None of us are. If the internal pain and loneliness can be harnessed and used as motivation to push through to the other side, I know I will find whatever it is my heart is looking for. ❤ ❤