Day 38: The Rejection Label

I am in a couple of Facebook groups that are dedicated to relationships and how to make them better. One of them is comprised mainly of people who have been broken up with or are going through a breakup or divorce. The cool thing about this group is that the majority of its members are doing the work to better themselves, so there is a lot of accountability.

Every once in a while though, someone posts some nasty vitriol about an ex or some whiny diatribe about how they were wronged and victimized. Some of the people truly were, there are tales of abuse and narcissism that would raise goosebumps on even the most hardened of mental health professionals. A lot of the people posting these other tirades however, are clearly at the beginning of their self help journey and have yet to do some inner work and there is a resounding disregard for how their actions could have impacted their current reality (this isn’t a judgment, I was that person not too long ago). Most of the pain that they write about is from being rejected and feeling like they aren’t good enough. This was a huge topic in one of the groups today and it got me thinking…

We have all been rejected… many, many times. It is interesting though that rejection plays such a huge part in our growth and development, yet so many people avoid taking the risks to avoid the possibility of being rejected. In relationships especially, there is so much weight to be perfect for this other person one is engaging with. This type of thinking is flawed. What are the chances, with a population of more than 7 billion people, that your soul mate lives five minutes away or will be the first person you swipe right on (or is it left… ). Probably pretty slim, and I also think this means there are a lot of people that a romantic relationship could work with. Do I think there are these once in a lifetime connections? Absolutely. I have one. But they are, in my experience, few and far between, or perhaps…. once in a lifetime!

Feelings of rejection come in, once again, when we have an attachment to a certain outcome. We want love, the person we have feelings for says they don’t love us. We want that dream job, we don’t land the interview. We want to make oodles of money and we fail in business. None of these events is comfortable, but whose to say that losing that love didn’t allow for another, even deeper connection to come in. Or that job… maybe not landing the interview meant you weren’t ready for the position and preparing a little more would result not just in snagging that job but the capacity to perform better in the required tasks. We fail in business, but the things we learned along the way so that we can try again and be successful are invaluable.

There are so many things in life that come down to perspectives. Everything really… Every situation in life and how it is processed and interacted with comes down to the perspective you take. We have this incredible capacity to make every situation a learning experience to pull from the positives, or our own unique form of hellish misery.

How do I ease the pain of perceived rejection?

I recognize that it isn’t rejection and often times isn’t personal. Yes, relationships are different in that there is a kind of personal rejection, but… rejection is such a nasty word. How about incompatibility. Even just changing the language of that one word eases the tension a little. Just think, if I am looking for that once in a lifetime relationship I have a 1 in 7 billion or so chance of finding it, of course I’m going to “reject” a lot of people, the same goes for that person you are about to have a first date with! Being incompatible with someone just means you weren’t a match, it doesn’t mean you weren’t enough!!!

When looking at the job scenario, YOU are not being personally rejected, your work might be, the results of your laziness and procrastination might be but as a person and a being you are not. Same as the failure of a business, these pitfalls are more a reflection of poor preparation, sloth, mistakes in decision making, but are not in fact a personal rejection. Are there times of true rejection… absolutely. But most of the time coming to the conclusion that it isn’t personal is easier than one would think. Sure, it still hurts, there will be grief and tears and a process to go through and it is a rare day that I can face a feeling of rejection and shift it in the moment. In fact, when I feel rejected I have to stop and really remove myself from the situation and very mindfully figure out what my takeaways are.

There is life after rejection. The quickest and simplest way that I know to reclaim that power and move forward is to take some time to figure out what was gained from that situation. Think of all of the experience, the wisdom, the strength and resilience added to your pot of skills. Then you take all of those things and melt them together and mold them into a new goal and you set forth knowing you are a little bit wiser and a lot more prepared the next time around. Maybe you learned you needed to set boundaries, maybe you learned you needed to acquire a certain skill to be a better candidate, maybe you realize you need to learn better money management in order for your business to be a success. Whatever it is, no matter the depths of hell you just went through, there are lessons there. Is this easy to do real time? Fuck no. Sometimes it isn’t easy to do for weeks or months, but if you open yourself up to seeing the possibility that there were lessons to be gained then you are setting yourself up for a resilient rebound and ultimately a game with clearer rules and increased chance for success.

Don’t fear rejection. That is the simplest way to end up dying with regret. Take the chance. Kiss the guy (or girl). Open your heart, go for that big idea. After all what is rejection really but a second chance at success. ❤ ❤

Day 37: What Do You Want?

My goodness, I am distracted tonight. After last night’s glorious lack of inspiration I fear I am not much better off this evening which means… it’s time to go back to basics!

I just got done with Mike Kemski’s two week PowerLife Challenge. It was an amazing group of people all dedicated to transformation, everyone was taking the steps. We all got “lifed” in one way or another and everyone kept carrying on with this amazing amount of love and support. It was a really great group. I would HIGHLY suggest doing one of his challenges if you have the chance.

The one thing that Mike always starts his programs with is target practice otherwise known as “What do you want?”

For the longest time this was so hard for me to answer. What do I want? It’s a paralyzing question for most people. I could only start by answering with what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be worried about money, I didn’t want to live in a house that feel oppressive and small. I didn’t want to be alone. Even writing those things down feels… icky. It feels a little bit like a stroke of negativity that I have been trying to shift all my life. It feels like fear based thinking. And it is. … but…. it’s a great place to start on this process of transformation, because if you are like me, the don’t want list is very long… which means that it’s a very easy tool to use because the opposite of that, the want list, will be equally as long. It means that you have a lot of targets and a lot of things that you want which provides motivation and momentum.

There is this flawed thinking in the personal development world that anything that is negative is bad, that if you think negative thoughts you will draw that into your life. There is some truth to that. If one constantly seeks to find the negative then that is what will “come into your life” but it is more a matter of awareness. What you are looking for, you will find. These negative things though, they exist for a reason. They provide contrast and are the duality to the positives (one cannot exist without the other). If all you see is negatives and you want to see the positives, then USE the negatives to see the positives. It’s really simple actually. In this case we want to figure out what we want and all we have is a list of don’t wants.

I don’t want to worry about money – so what I do want it to have enough income coming in that I can make purchases without anxiety or concern, this will lead to a feeling of freedom.

I don’t want to live in a small, oppressive house, so what I do want it a living arrangement that is big enough where I feel unencumbered and have all of my things around me comfortably, this will give me a feeling of openness and freedom.

I don’t want to be alone, so I want someone in my life who I can have a fulfilling and loving relationship, this will make me feel secure and cherished.

That’s the other thing about our want list, what we are really searching for is a feeling, or several feelings that lead to an overall elevated quality of life. The tricky part here with some of these goals is not getting too attached to the future vision and being open to how those things might show up. Alternatively the goals can be very specific. I can say I want a two story home with a hot tub and a granite counter top kitchen and that is just as valid. That might make me feel successful for example.

So why did I go back to the beginning? It’s a good reminder for me what I want this blog to be and I am hoping it will help me get back on track and find some inspiration to write.

What I don’t want is this to be a dumping ground for all of my emotions. What I do want is a safe space where I can come to write about my own personal development and journey into loving myself deeper with the hope that these words will reach other people who are on a similar path. It will hopefully provide some inspiration or at least motivation to them to strive, not for perfection, but for progress in building the life they want and will provide a body of content for what I hope will one day be an illustrious career as an authenticity and mindset coach.

Once I have my don’t want and do want list (this is an exercise in duality), it’s now time to look for resources to help me get what I want. This is where the power of perspectives comes in. All day today I have been worried about what I was going to write tonight. NOTHING CAME TO ME…. and why would it? I was meeting the task with anxiety and fear, but now that I have revisited my mission I can look back on my day and see I actually had a lot of resources that could have contributed to a post tonight.

I was in a really crabby mood this morning and instead of running and hiding from the world I chose to tell the person I was supposed to work with that I was not feeling like having company and would she mind doing some other tasks today. Old me would have just let her come with and would have not spoken three words the entire day and instead been pissed about my lot in life. So right there is 1. huge progress and 2. a lesson in communication and asking for what you want that could be a topic to write on.

I had a run in with the unflattering man that I work with. He and that situation is an endless source of input on what not to do and how not to be a team player… more material.

I had to search long and hard for motivation for my day job, more material there on how I found some today.

I also took the alone time I needed, put in a motivating podcast, thank you Russell Brand, and by the time I got through my morning was in a much better mood so… material on shifting mindset.

See…. there are resources all around us all the time. It is a matter of asking how can this help me get to that. How can my dogs help me blog better? They provide a sense of well being that can get me centered to write. How can my chic fil a help me blog better? I can’t think very well on an empty stomach and it saved me time from cooking so I could sit down to my computer after a long day. How can the veggies I bought at the store help me (I know I know… yes I bought veggies and then had fast food), they provide a nourishing meal that will help my cells work efficiently which will improve my thinking and clarity… etc etc. You get the idea.

So really when I look around, I have a ton of inspiration. It is just a matter of seeing it and using it. And now that I have this one in the books, I have a lot more material for the rest of the week. It’s simple really, what do you want? It doesn’t have to be overwhelming. It is basically a process in learning to make decisions. Find a target, identify resources to help you, interact with 3-5 of them every day, gain confidence in decision making, pick another larger target and keep going until suddenly you are living the life you imagined! ❤ ❤

Day 36: An Astounding Lack of Inspiration

It is always crazy to me that I can have a day where my heart is open and flowing and I feel loved and strong and powerful and then I go to sleep and wake up the next day a completely different person.

I hope these waves will stabilize a little bit once the growth I am searching for really sinks in, but I’m not sure that it will.

There are some schools of thought in the personal development world that say that finding appreciation before going to sleep will set your morning up to start with gratitude and warmth in the heart. They suggest you find 3-5 things to be appreciative of and write them down before sleep…. I haven’t found that to be the case for me. I still do the exercise but…. I find that sleeping tend to reset me to a default setting which is, the product of childhood wiring and is overwhelmingly negative. Sometimes I can have this amazing day the day before and then wake up to the exact opposite, a stinking pile of shit. Sometimes I wake up exactly where I left off, but more often than not it is an echo of the feelings from the day before, not as potent, but still present. Today was one of those shit sandwich days. There was absolutely no reason for it either.

It’s really frustrating actually.

So I got up, I went to my gym and worked out, chatted with some friends, came home and took a three hour nap because when I feel like this I sleep…..a lot. Then I woke up, groggy as hell, sat down to write and…. nothing. My energy feels zapped, my heart feels closed. W.T.F.

I think some of this comes back to Mr. X, him and I have this weird as hell connection. His heart was open a crack yesterday and fuck it felt good. Those days are like being surrounded in love. We didn’t even really talk much, there was no special conversation but I can FEEL it from him. Today, his heart is shut. It is really amazing how much it effects me. I think this is the emotionally empathic side of me that I have never experienced with anyone else and quite frankly I don’t know what to do with it! I know, it sounds like a cop out and a reason to not take responsibility for my feelings, and I promise that isn’t what is going on here. If you haven’t felt someone else’s heart beating in your own chest you can’t really comprehend what we have. But, I do take full responsibility for not shifting this better, because that is a choice, some days, though, the motivation to do so just isn’t there. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to make that shift and on days when I am afforded the luxury of a quiet, alone day, I reserve that energy.

I came up with a couple ways I could relieve this heaviness, but today is like a blanket so thick it weighs down the soul. At some point I just realized, it’s here. It’s frustrating and it’s telling me something. It’s causing me to look at my life and evaluate what’s working and what isn’t and those are all good things. So instead of fighting it, I am letting it be. I am doing the necessary internal overview and then I am going to go to bed early. I am still here, still showing up for myself, so there is pride in that. I am finding the things that bring my a little spark of joy and I am engaging with them, a mug of hot tea, a good romance novel, a snuggle from my dogs.

There are days where there is little inspiration, little motivation, little feeling really, and those days are okay. They are a solid contrast to the good days and provide a lot of drive to continue this path of improvement and self love. I can also see that these days come less and less and I have more happiness and joy in my life than ever before so there has been a tremendous amount of progress.

Here’s to tomorrow. May it be full of love, inspiration and appreciation for all of us. ❤ ❤

The horses have absolutely no relevance to this post, but they make me happy so…. Image by ATDSPHOTO from Pixabay

Day 34: “You’re Far Too Sensitive!”

We live in an age where emotions are starting to come alive in a healthy way. People are looking inward for change and are seeking to experience the world from a new paradigm, where our emotions do not rule us, but are simply sign posts and guides to show us what it means to live in our intended frequency.

As a kid I used to hear some iteration of the words above, “you’re too sensitive,” “why are you so emotional?” Hearing those things made me feel like I was defective, like what I was feeling was wrong, the way that I felt was separating me from the rest of the pack so was threatening. I learned a long time ago that showing emotions was dangerous and resulted in conflict. The one other person in my life who was and still is very emotional is my mother. But there is emotional, and then there is emotional intelligence and her emotions often go unchecked and run rampant leaving a trail of destruction behind them. It was from her that I taught myself to shut in and hide the things that I was feeling, because I saw the wake it left and I didn’t (and still don’t) want to be like that. The result was this fantastic emotional constipation that resulted in a completely stifling apathy and an almost total breakdown.

It took me about six months of inner work before I started to feel anything again. Now, I feel … a lot…. it’s almost overwhelming at times to try to manage. I had gotten so used to navigating the world through this wall of defensiveness and anger that living any other way seemed really vulnerable and scary and really unsafe. Now, I cry…. a lot. Sometimes it’s super annoying, but I can also appreciate that I am feeling again and that crying is just an expression of this overabundance of emotional energy, and is a sign of a passionate awakening that is happening in my heart. I also love, so deeply that it warms my body and floods me with light, and I feel everything in between.

Looking back, I can see how far I have come. I can see myself starting to open my heart to people. I can see myself beginning to express love and not NEEDING other people to reciprocate. I am learning to put it out in the world in a way that gives back to me.

So why is this coming up today?

I work with an assistant on Saturdays. She is young, I think 19 or 20. She feels things really deeply. She is this effervescent kid who really REALLY tries so hard to do a good job. She started in our company in one of the lowest positions that she could be in. She worked that job, pretty happily for over a year. I knew that she has had some issues with depression and had some tendencies to let her emotions get the best of her at work. I watched her work her ass off for a year only to get passed up for promotion after promotion and I started to ask people why. It was really interesting the perspectives that were out there. To me I saw this super eager kid who was looking for someone to give her a chance. She is smart as hell and quick as a whip. She has this awesome sense of humor and cares deeply for all living things. She thinks ahead and anticipates needs and runs circles around some of our other assistants. When I started asking why she was getting passed up I kept hearing the same thing, she’s too sensitive, she’s too emotional.

Now, I don’t have kids, I don’t profess to know how to raise them, but I do think it is our job to teach future generations how to manage themselves instead of hiding who they are. I could see so much love and passion bubbling out of her and each time someone gave her feedback like this I could see it cutting her to her very core. And let me tell you, it hurt her something fierce. She would come to me in tears trying to figure out how she could exist in this world and I felt for her so much because I went through that struggle too. Her and I differ in that I am a lot stronger. That’s not a judgement, but a fact. She was on the verge of ending her life several times over really trivial shit because it felt so damn big to her. And I had been there and I knew what she was going through and while those thoughts had crossed my mind I realize I can endure a lot of pain. It is one of my strengths because it also means that I don’t compromise and I don’t settle. Anyways… this isn’t about me…

Back to E. Her and I would chat, and once I realized what the “problem” was we started to talk about it. It absolutely broke my heart to see her going down this path of self doubt and trying to figure out how to fit in this world by making herself smaller. One day we were in the car and she was really upset about the latest person passing her over and she said she knew she was too emotional and I told her “No, you aren’t too emotional. You are just right, you are passionate, you feel and love deeply and sometimes that comes out in ways that make other people uncomfortable. It is okay to feel what you feel and to express what you feel, you don’t have to stifle yourself, you only have to figure out a way to manage constructive expression while still being true to you.”

I have no idea if anything clicked or if what I said made a difference, and I probably never will. I don’t need to know. What I do know is that once people started seeing her through a different lens, and she started to see herself through a different lens, things at work started to go much better for her. The next promotion that came along… was given to her.

She still struggles with this world. A lot at times. And we still talk, but she doesn’t need the same support anymore. It has been pretty cool to watch her grow and blossom in her new role and amazing to see her stepping into who she is. Everyone that passed her up is starting to see it too. We talked today about the goings on in her life and what she was doing to show up for herself in the face of adversity. I am really proud of her.

So is there such a thing as too sensitive? No. We are all perfect just as we are. It’s all in how we choose to use it to show up in this world with the gifts we came here with. Yes, there are times when I feel like I don’t belong here, that I am too sensitive for THIS world, and then I realize it is actually a super power. Feeling like I do means that I have a huge capacity for love and caring and empathy and compassion. It means that the people that I choose to shine my light on can bask in an ocean of love, as much or as little as they can take, because I have that capacity. It means that my heart can take a lot of pain and has a passion and sense of right in it that means I will, and do, stand up for what is right in this world because I want the world to be a better place when I leave it.

I don’t always get things right in the “wild.” It’s much easier to write about how I am inside than it is to express it out in the real world. But, each word changed, each expression realized, each awareness brought to the surface brings me closer and closer to authentic expression in all areas of my life, not just behind the keyboard. It brings me closer to speaking my mind without worrying about what other will think. It brings me closer to unlocking my true power. It brings me closer to love. With each exploration of depth of these glorious emotions I can start to see how truly powerful I am, how richly I feel and I can start to realize just how much I have to offer the world.

And so do you, if you are brave enough to look.

Too sensitive, nah…. perfect from where I’m sitting. ❤ ❤

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Day 33: Drowning In A Sea Of Crazy

There is this phenomenon that happens when you are in the midst of transformation. It occurs when the life you are living no longer fits but the one you are creating isn’t ready for you to step in.

In the personal development group that I am in we call this “The Crazies.” And damn is that an appropriate term for it.

The crazies is not a fun place to be. It feels like you are drowning in a violent sea that keeps battering you, wave after wave comes just at the very moment you are gasping for breath. It feels like falling down an endless well, clawing at the stone walls, unable to grab hold, breaking your nails off in the process. It feels like a torturous, endless death. Time slows down, hours feel like days, days like weeks. You get the idea. It is not pleasant! And unfortunately, it is a prerequisite for growth. I have yet to meet someone that transitioned smoothly into their new life. Perhaps for people that feel a little less deeply than I do it isn’t quite so dramatic a transition, but for me… it’s almost always brutal.

I am in the thick of the crazies. It has come after some pretty big momentum which was born of some pretty massive hurt. The momentum carried me through a couple weeks, allowed me to focus on what I want for the future and just when I feel like I am getting my feet underneath me, the crazies come in full force. They show up in the negative self talk that clouds my mind, the constriction in my heart, the concern for the future unwritten. They make me feel like I am losing my mind, like all of the things that I have learned the last year have meant nothing, that I have not made any progress. Even though I feel that way, I know it isn’t true. Just the fact that I am recognizing what is happening and am able to sit in it knowing I will come out the other side shows huge progress. A year ago I would have lost my mind. Now, I do what I need to get through, knowing that I will indeed get through.

So what do you do when the crazies strike?

For me, I take a deep breath. I recognize them for what they are and for what it means about my progress and my future. I reach out to a friend for support, if I have one that isn’t traveling through the same darkness. But probably the most important and the whole goal of this blog….. I show myself compassion. I listen to what my mind is saying, I evaluate the words and see if they are true and then I change them. Sometimes I literally say “Okay, if I was talking to a friend what would I say?” I zoom out and evaluate the situation from a different vantage point. I look for resources to keep supporting my goal. I drink water. I force myself to work out and maintain all of the good habits I have created the last few months and I love myself. Resisting this phase is pretty useless and only prolongs the suffering. Most of the time the crazies only last a few days. For me this has been going on longer and much longer than I would like, but each day brings me closer to the end and nearer to the future that I see for myself.

Today I woke up in tears, I realized what was happening and thought to myself, “bring it on, bitch,” cause I know I am strong enough to weather the storm. ❤ ❤

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Day 31: Pushing The Edges Of Capacity

The only way to grow is to push your boundaries. When one is working out and plateaus at 12 reps, the only way to grow more muscle is to push yourself and do more reps. This is pushing an edge.

In new relationships, once the romance period slows down and real life sinks it, boundaries and edges get pushed and adjusted with each hurdle. This is what makes a relationship grow and thrive.

In the workplace each new task that requires gaining or honing skills pushes the edge of what we know and results in mental (and sometimes physical and emotional) expansion.

You get it, you have to push the edges of your capacity in order to expand.

When there is a goal in place and there is a lot of motivation, pushing edges is easier. Maybe not easier, but more enjoyable than when we are forced to expand.

I am being forced to expand right now, in several areas of my life. I am on my third night without power and once again am writing this hunched over my phone in my car. The storm we are having is producing 60 mph winds and there are down trees everywhere. It is amazing I had power today for as long as I did.

My patient that I mentioned previously also died today. It makes me really really sad and I am currently in the process of examining my every move to be sure that there wasn’t more I could have done. And while I made the best decisions that I could with the knowledge I had, I can’t help but feel that I should have done better.

My work situation with the guy that was threatening me has become very uncomfortable and I no longer feel any sense of security there.

Mr. X asking for us to be friends and not knowing how the future will work for us… this is pushing an edge.

These are boundaries I don’t want to be pushing. And they are also boundaries that I don’t really have a choice about expanding. Well, that’s not entirely true. I could choose not to expand. I could put my patient out of my mind and not make the necessary evaluations and just say I couldn’t do better and choose to not learn from it. I could have let the guy at work get away with what he did resulting in him doing this again to other people and ultimately allowing some really aggressive, toxic behavior in the workplace. I could walk away from Mr. X completely. I could choose to not write this blog and cease all my daily activities and give into the fact that I have no power but none of those things would serve my goals of personal growth and expansion. We are lucky in that every day we are tested. The field is set for constant expansion if that is what we desire. For me, I am still not fast at shifting things, so I need this training ground.

Just because I realize that, does not make it easy.

I wanted to throw in the towel today. I wanted to just not care so much about my patient, move to a place where I could start fresh where I didn’t have to deal with snow and winter. I wanted to quit my job and I wanted to run. Instead I am sitting here, tears streaming down my face, completely overwhelmed by my life. Those nagging voices are starting to get louder. The ones that are saying, “why did you think you could be a good doctor,” “you should just start over where no one knows you,” “you should just give up.” I know these voices are there as an echo of past circumstances. I know they are a product of fear. When I evaluate them further and feel into my heart I realize that right now, today, I don’t feel safe. I feel very alone and in some ways a little helpless. And if I boil it down even more I realize that I don’t want to walk this world alone. I am tired of doing everything on my own, of figuring out life on my own, of coming home to a house that occupies one person, of relying on my dogs to keep me sane. I want a man in my life. Right now more than anything I want someone to hug me (let’s be real, a certain someone), to tell me that I did all I could for my patient, to listen to all of my trials at work, to help me take care of clearing the snow, to make this power outage an adventure instead of an inconvenience. As the darkness sinks in and I sit, listening to the howl of the wind through the trees, the stillness in my home beckoning sleep, I realize I am just plain lonely.

I have to be pretty low to feel like this. Low on energy, low on reserves. Realizing that, I am searching for what will serve me best to fill my tanks. Right now that’s a kind word from a friend and a mug of tea that I have heated over a camp stove. It’s snuggling up with all of my blankets and the dogs and bedding down for the night knowing I have done all of the critical things. It is expanding the edges of my appreciation and forcing myself to not just find things to appreciate, but to actually appreciate them – with the feeling in my heart. And it is to be kind to myself, to be my own cheerleader and to show myself some grace in being and feeling human. It’s to accept that nothing that I am feeling is wrong, that I am okay, that this is all expansion and is serving some greater good. And it is knowing that I can handle this, even if I am alone.

Growth is not easy. Awareness gets easier the more you practice it, but actually using it and choosing differently is not easy. It’s simple, sure, but not easy. And it’s okay to have rough days, to feel overwhelmed and in need of some help. It’s okay to reach out, to cry, to ask for support.

And it’s okay to feel lonely. I know these feelings will pass. I will just institute the advice that I offer to everyone else. Just. Keep. Going. Tonight that means going to bed early, trying to get some sleep and starting fresh in the morning. ❤ ❤

Image by Jills from Pixabay

Day 30: The Art Of Resilience

Man oh, man.

Sometimes I look around at the stuff going on in my life and I wonder how I am still standing. A lot of people wouldn’t be, but here I am… doing my thing…

If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is how to be adaptable. Adaptability leads to resilience. The quicker one lets go of expectations and resistance, the easier it is to fall into adaptability. The strength gained from that resilience is unmatched and when appropriately utilized can be a tool for overcoming so many obstacles.

If you read my post yesterday you will remember I was without power for much of the day. If you didn’t read it, good on you for not being in front of a computer screen. Anyways… power came back on early this morning. I was able to enjoy about an hour of it before leaving for the gym. My gym is normally an hour drive, today, with snow and down trees and a million other little annoyances it took me an hour and a half. We were the only gym open for miles and I was the only one to show up. One thing people don’t realize about me is if I know someone is expecting me, I will find a way to show up, and I knew this trainer came in anticipating that I would be there. Since no one else came for class I got this badass one on one personal training session, being resilient really worked in my favor there.

Work was a motherfucker. I am dealing with a really critically ill patient that likely won’t survive the night and it breaks my heart cause I have worked hard to keep him going. It is also such an uncomfortable/toxic environment right now with the *ahem* gentleman that I am having issues with that I no longer feel I can work at my desk so I am kind of displaced and falling behind on some tasks. I kept my head up today though cause I haven’t done anything wrong and focused on my patient and actually managed to have a good time with my assistants, despite all of the other pitfalls.

Then I got home, my glorious sanctuary from the world… and my fucking power was out AGAIN! Clearly had been for a while, as my house was frigid with a capital F.

Now, I have to look at this as the epitome of resilience and adaptability, because otherwise I will just come off as crazy.

Desperate times… I definitely heated up a veggie burger over an open candle. It is scented like Autumn so added an air of cool breeze to my burger. I also bundled the dogs up and we are currently sitting in a heap in my car, charging my phones and using the internet from my hotspot.

All in the name of keeping up with this blog!

I could be upset with my circumstances, it is certainly inconvenient. I could be mad and sad about my patient, and I was earlier today. I could bemoan my existence and damn the state in which I live. Or, I can choose to adapt. I can snuggle with my dogs, waiting for the heat to come back on. I can chat with my friends while my phones charge and I can take the loss of electricity and resulting darkness to really focus and become present with some things that are important to me. It’s amazing how much you learn to love your company when there is no other option. I have chosen to make this fun, to make it memorable, and not because it sucks so bad, but because it is making me laugh. It is allowing me to have a focus that I normally don’t when I have a thousand different screens running at once. It is giving me the chance to solve puzzles, which I really like to do. It’s opening up doors to solutions that I never would have seen if my awareness wasn’t directed that way, and will provide resources that I may be able to use in the future. It also provides a stern contrast to how cushy my life usually is and makes me realize just how good I have it. So in this moment I am very appreciative of the life I have built and that I have the chance to reflect on that. I am also loving the sheer number of friends that have called or texted to check in on me, so I know that I am loved and supported.

The easiest way to be resilient?

Find all of the strengths and up sides to your situation. Latch onto them so firmly that they are the only things in your awareness. Make it fun. See how you can take a not so pleasant thing and turn it into something that supports you and propels you forward.

For me this blog is creating a body of work that will give me inspiration and credibility for my coaching career. The darkness and cold are honing my senses and causing a ridiculous amount of clarity and focus on a few aspects of my life. All of these things are supporting me in moving towards the life I want to have and it is great training ground for working on my language and attitude.

So am I happy I am without power? No. Am I appreciative though of all of the things it is providing for me? Yes. In this moment I am able to see my strength, my resilience and ultimately, my progress. And that is priceless. ❤ ❤

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay