One of the less cool things about being super sensitive in this world is that when people do things that hurt, they REALLY hurt. That incredible depth of feeling for the amazing stuff… we don’t get a pass when it comes to the hard stuff.
There are times that I can feel my friends recoiling at having to hear yet another conversation about Mr. X and how heartbroken I am. I find myself isolating to deal with the pain because I don’t want to be a burden to them.
And that’s okay. I think there are parts that are meant to be processed alone and truthfully, talking the same things out over and over again are a recipe for distraction. To truly process we have to be willing to sit in the thick of things and evaluate from our own vantage point what went wrong, what needs to change and what patterns we are reliving through our relationships that are a detriment to our growth.
One of those things that needs processing is anger.
Anger gets a bad rap. Especially if you are a woman. An angry man is someone to be feared, or a real go-getter, a man who “gets things done.” In contrast women who get angry are labeled as “bitches, difficult, too emotional.” It’s a ridiculous double standard. We are all human, we all feel anger, we all need to process it.
Anger is a driving energy. The pain of anger forces us to change. We aren’t meant to stay angry for long. It is a powerful force that comes in hot and strong and leaves destruction in its wake. I am not talking about physical destruction, though that is one outlet, I am talking about destruction of those things that are no longer of service.
For as much as I want to release Mr. X in love, and I think I have done that, there is anger there. This is a completely normal response for anyone, and I am sure he feels some anger towards me too. That’s the thing about ending any relationship, there will be moments of feeling slighted, being unseen, unappreciated… that’s why things end. Even as we can see all of the love and show the world how much we appreciated that other person and the gifts they brought to our life, there will be some anger.
Mine boiled over last night. I have been feeling off all week after saying goodbye to Mr. X. The last correspondence between us was loving and honoring of each other but it ripped open the scab of not being chosen. Ripped it hard. All of my past relationships came bubbling to the surface. I realized that I was mad about so many things. So much has been sitting unprocessed. I have been focusing so much on trying to force a friendship in a place where I was not ready at all for that. I thought we could move into that without more space than we have already taken, but if there is one thing I learned it is that if there is to be a friendship after a broken heart there has to be a completely different relationship, which requires deadening the old bonds, breaking them apart and starting fresh. There needs to be solid communication about new boundaries and wants/needs in the new relationship. And that cool off period takes as long as it takes which is usually the decision of the person who was walked away from.
It’s a shit deal all around.
I have been forcing so much. I have been trying to adjust and change my feelings instead of sitting with them like they need to be. This week has felt like total shit. Like moving through sludge. After we talk there is always a day or two recovery right now, but this was lasting forever and I realized it was because I hadn’t allowed my anger to come to the surface. It felt like anger went against the grace and compassion I was trying to maintain. The reality is, by not allowing myself to feel angry I was dishonoring myself, as well as him. Neither of us acted perfectly. We could have done a lot of things better. Acknowledging the anger was acknowledging the depth of pain. It was acknowledging that he is human too and fucks things up. It was acknowledging that I have never spoken up about what I truly want in a relationship, and it propelled me forward into a new way of showing up.
When I have a strong emotion come up the first thing I ask myself is what is causing this? My first reaction is always “because someone did something to hurt me.” ALWAYS. This is a product of my conditioning. And it’s okay. I recognize it and go deeper and ask why did that thing that that person did hurt you so much? Usually the answer is I felt abandoned or unsafe. Then I go even further and ask myself in what ways did I abandon or make myself unsafe? When those parts are acknowledged and brought to light I can process the energy and move forward and figure out what I need to do to give myself safety and to feel seen again.
Issues in relationships come from trying to get our needs met. Our needs are a product of how we were conditioned. When we can recognize and give ourselves the things that we crave most then we bring back our power and authority. It is okay to need things from other people, but when we can see the deeper why behind the things we do we can communicate and cultivate our desires in a healthier way.
I used to feel safe with Mr. X. This is a long standing theme in my life. The need for safety. When that safety felt threatened because he was moving in a way that supported his highest need, my system went into overdrive… blaming, shaming. Even if these thoughts weren’t said out loud to him they were residing in my system. Bringing them to the surface, saying what I needed to say (even if it was at 2 AM to myself in my car) allowed me the space to go deeper into my needs and inspired me to see how I could start showing up for myself better.
One of the amazing things about finding someone that you love is that it often feels like a huge breath of oxygen. It feels like a safe place to rest, to land. It feels like the connecting of two souls who can move hand in hand through the world. It feels like never having to face the world alone again. When we become too reliant on that, we become codependent and bumps in the roads feel like canyons. Taking care of yourself first, honoring your feelings and needs without judgement, giving yourself compassion in even the darkest of hours… these are the things that will allow your partner the space to show up fully, to love and be loved in the highest good and to create a partnership that is a balance of what you both need.
Do not be afraid to love, to show up fully as yourself, but know yourself first. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. Know the darkness and the corners of your mental and emotional being. Attend to your needs. It is the only way to be able to fully and openly receive someone else. ❤ ❤