Paradox

I have never felt like I belonged in this world. It has always been a bit difficult to keep my feet tethered to the ground. Sometimes I am so in my head that I forget where I am and what I am doing and I can lose long spaces of time. I go somewhere that is deeper than myself. Maybe it’s a meditative state or some other brain wave than what we normally survive in. For me it feels a little like being high.

I have always felt that there was something not quite “right” about me. I don’t make connections with people often, I don’t feel things like other people do. I am a pool of paradox. I don’t connect often but it is all I long for and when I do connect I want to be completely engrossed. I feel nothing from most people but I feel too much to be comfortable in the world. I am addicted to love and finding love but my heart does not easily open. I am broken but whole. I am confident and uncertain. I am the deepest depths of love and the darkest of fears. I am sad and joyful. Dark and light. I am all things. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Everyone seeks belonging. For me I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. I was never “home,” instead a perpetual wanderer with a hole the size of Texas in my heart. I would go down these rabbit holes to see what fit. I found a little part of me in the Myers-Briggs test, I found pieces of me in a group of forward thinkers, I found lots of parts of me in the people who were going through struggles and hardships.

I recently took a peek at the enneagram (at the very basic it is a method for personality typing, but it’s much deeper than that) after listening to a podcast (Unlocking Us) with Brene Brown and Chris Heuertz. A good friend of mine LOVES the enneagram. It has given her a much clearer understanding of herself and a tremendous amount of comfort. For me it was much the opposite initially. The first time I took the test I came up a 4. I read a little bit about it and yeah, it fit well enough but I had little tolerance for being stuffed into yet another box, it’s never that simple with me. Along comes this podcast and they were talking about each of the personality types and the struggles that each has and why they suffer like they do. As I was listening there was a paradoxical awakening and joy at finding more bits of me and a deep sinking as I realized I suffered like ALL of the numbers. Every single hardship that was talked about, all of the ways to feel inadequate…. I felt all of them. Viscerally. They say there is often a number that you resonate most with and yes, a four was a punch in the gut, but the rest…. all of them sliced my heart. So I took the test again and while I scored highest as a four…… I tied for almost all of the rest of the types.

I have always felt like I have lived a lot of lives. Lots of people tell me I am an old soul. I have been through wars and famine and all kinds of things. I don’t know how I know this, I just do. So as these types were being explained and I was checking all of the boxes I felt at first, that maybe I was just plain crazy and actually mentally ill. Maybe I actually had a BUNCH of different personalities! And then I laughed and remembered this is a human construct to try to understand people… and we all have a little bit of all of these personalities in us. And me being balanced across them all meant not only that I have the capacity for all of the gifts that these types have to offer, but it also means that I can connect and empathize with most people.

As I move further and further from the life I am currently living, and start to align my inner world with my outer one, I am starting to see these things about me that I have always shunned as actually really powerful.

I DON’T fit in boxes. I am not able to be “figured out” by many because I haven’t even figured myself out. I will never be exactly what anyone thinks I should be.

And I am okay with that. I am better than okay. I don’t fit, and that…. that “brokenness,” that estrangement…. it makes me really valuable. As I am not like anyone, I am also like everyone. I fit with no one and everyone at the same time.

As I look back on patterns in my life and the relationships that I have had I realize that anyone who I have let close to me has been able to use me as a catalyst for some really life altering changes in their life. I mean, really big. Sometimes I come in like a wrecking ball. I see what people aren’t saying and I excavate it and gently brush the dirt off and sometimes violently encourage people in moving. I haven’t known this was what was happening and now that I am recognizing these situations I am better able to adjust a little more patiently and lovingly. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I wreck shop, but we always survive. There is always growth and movement.

As I sit with my own broken heart I am tempted to fall back into the darkness, to latch onto my suffering but I realize that in this moment I can choose a different road. I can see that what I have been through and what I am going through is all in preparation for whatever is next, whatever is better and more elevated. I am growing. In the depths of despair I am growing stronger and more resilient. I am finding my voice and using it. I am finding love in myself and showering me with it. From little niceties to kicking my ass into doing what NEEDS to be done for my future self, I am doing things different. That is really all anyone can do. Be better. Choose different.

As Chris Heuertz says, “[about fours] are misunderstood and they get bullied in the literature because they are sort of hard to wrap our minds around in terms of character structure but this is the person who has this ache within them that they don’t know where they fit in. They don’t know where they belong…. There can be a deep sadness and ache and longing and yearning that brings meaning to the fours…. When the fours are seeing beauty in everything what they are simply trying to do is see an echo back inward. If I can find what’s fabulous about this person, this meal, this environment, this song, maybe I will pull that thread all the way inward and see, maybe there is something like that here… There is a lot of shame that drives the ego structure of the four.”

As Brene continued they talked of terminal uniqueness. Bullseye.

As for the strengths, “The fours bring equanimity, emotional balance of being able to live on the spectrum of highs and lows, joys and sorrows without over identifying with any of it, and finding the beauty in all of it, and fours will see that for us and in us.”

I don’t really think there is anything more beautiful than that.

Embrace who you are. See the things that you don’t love about yourself as assets and contributions to your own uniqueness. These are the things that make up your song, your dance. These are the things that, when accepted and integrated, will change the world. ❤ ❤

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

The Path of Healing


A beautiful friend of mine reminded me the other day that healing was not a linear path.

I am reminded of this today.

Healing requires repair, regrowth, rebirth.

Sometimes healing is the warmth of the sun and the feel of the breeze as it tickles the finest hair on your skin. It is comforting like a warm embrace of a loved one.

Sometimes healing is walking into an ocean of demons and slaying them one by one as they come to pull you under.

Healing is not linear. It can be all of those things all at the same time.

It is a path that winds and turns and there are boulders and fire ants but also the most pristine clear pools of water that exist on this earth. It is flying through the stars and laughing with the moon and tempting the devil to touch you.

The last week has been very raw. My skin has been stripped away and each moment has been pure acid.

And I am reminded also, that the path I travel is also a choice. I can let myself be pulled under by latching on to all of the bad things I find which in turn amplifies that darkness, or I can find the smallest particle of light and focus all intention on that and amplify that.

When you have grown up in darkness the natural thing to do is reach out for that comfort of what surrounds you. The effort it takes to sort through the ashes and find the tiniest glowing ember is monumental at times. But once that ember is found and breath laid upon it and the glow intensifies until a fire is burning once again…. that… this is healing.

Sometimes healing is a gentle exhale. It is a reminder that you are strong. That you have been through darkness before, but that you have also experienced light and will do so again. It is realizing you have choices, you have power and whatever decisions you make, even if they are the unexpected are never wrong because they lead you somewhere. Somewhere with more wisdom so that the next choice can be made and the next and the next.

Healing is trusting that all of these decisions are leading somewhere bigger than this moment. It is trusting yourself. It is the gentle blush of intuition that lands in the heart.

We are not born broken. We are cracked and open to bloom and bend and shift and constrict with all of the moments in our life. We break, so that we can rebuild. We buckle under the weight so that we can make a stronger foundation.

We survive. We heal. We thrive. ❤ ❤

Image by Захари Минчев from Pixabay

Fighting Complacency

What happens when the fire starts to fade? When the oxygen runs out?

When there is no longer a blaze and there are simply ashes to sift through that is when the “fun” begins. I have been burning a fire for weeks (if you don’t know what the fuck I am talking about read this). This pandemic has caused stress in ways that I didn’t realize I could even be stressed. One thing has become VERY clear. I am the only one that will take care of myself in the way and capacity that I need to be cared for. And placing my needs on other people, especially during this time, is unfair. The pressure of this situation has forced a long, hard look at what serves my life and what doesn’t and in that way has been a tremendous catalyst for change.

With the fires burning down and me making shifts in my life, just the coals remain. Red hot and waiting for fuel. As I sift through what is left, the thought patterns that are still present, the open loops that need tending to and the relationships that have survived there is a constant re-evaluation of what is and isn’t serving a higher vision.

For a while, when the fire is burning hot and there is the power of conviction there is this euphoria that accompanies KNOWING what is right. For me, that feeling lasted about a week. It was awesome. And then the fire slowed and I was left with situations that were less black and white. Situations where there are people involved that I really care about so setting these relations aflame didn’t feel particularly empowering. I became complacent very quickly. I was holding on to outdated relationships. Ones that were not evolving in a way that I needed them to. That old feeling of the tension of knowing there are truths to be uncovered still, started to fester and I realized in a few ways I was still walking away from this person that I was trying to be.

It is no secret here that Mr. X has been fantastically important in my life. That our relationship is the catalyst for all of the change that occurred in the last year. I keep improving, very much because of how he sees me, not as I am, but beyond the surface to the best parts of me. Skillfully he has teased them out and I love him so much for playing that role in my life. It has been exceedingly hard to let him go. I have held on to this notion that we are meant to be, that we are soul mates. But he has a woman next to him already. So I have been forced to look at other options.

I have known from the very beginning, when there was a recognition of feelings, that I needed to be the one to say, “nope, I deserve someone of my own.” I have not been strong enough to do that, the thought of losing him far too hard to accept.

Until this week.

When the fire burned down and our relationship was put under the microscope I realized just how much of myself I was giving away to him. I did it under the guise that he really loves me and wants to be with me but is so ingrained in his current life that it just isn’t possible. So we would be friends, and that was that. But I have known since that was first suggested that I was not able to be friends. Not now, maybe not ever, in the capacity that he wants. I have tried… fuck I have tried. But seeing him, his arm wrapped around another woman, caused me to fall on my knees in ugly sobs. It doesn’t feel fair that I cannot have the one man that I feel was made for me, of me, my lock and key. I realized how much I was waiting around for him, how much I was quieting myself and making myself small, biding my time, hoping he would come around. Maybe he will in time, probably, he won’t.

So when the smoke cleared I saw us in a new light. I saw me, unwavering in not abandoning myself yet still acting complacent. I felt just how heavy that was. Tragic romances are just that… tragic. They are the thing of books and love poems. At some point I realized I am tired of living tragedies. I want to LIVE. With someone. Someone to adventure with, someone whose touch melted me, someone who brings out the goofy, lighthearted, kid that is so tightly in check. Mr. X is all those things. I would give a lot to be with him.

But I will no longer give myself up. I don’t fit into the box that our relationship has become. I could no longer feel happiness that he was happy with someone else, even though I want him to be happy.

The truth is, I want him to be happy… with me.

Jealousy, anger, resentment… all these things came boiling up. Old me would have tamped them down and let them fester in my heart. New me listened to them screaming that this wasn’t okay.

So I did the hardest thing. The thing that I have known needed to happen so we can walk forward.

I let him go. Like really…. let him go. I blocked him on social media, removed FaceBook from my phone and sat with the overwhelming emotions that followed.

You know how I know that doing something hard was still a good move? The same joy I felt with the big burn was still present underneath the pain. It wasn’t loud and cheering for me, but if I listened beyond the anguish it was there, like an autumn breeze, delicate and light. Weight came off my chest and for the first time in a few months I felt free.

I would like to think that I am capable of becoming friends. I am not a person that can really fake it for very long. I can say I am glad he is happy with his current lot in life, but if I don’t actually feel it, it is just dishonest and I can’t live long in that space.

I realized that is what we were doing. I was lying that I was okay with his situation and us being friends. He was beating down that fact that he is in love with me so he could stay in his ecosystem that in so many ways has defined his life up to now. He was doing so at the cost of me. Of our friendship. And ultimately at the cost of himself. As someone who really loves him, I’m not okay with that.

So I chose different. I chose myself.

Loving someone isn’t always flowers and chocolates. It is doing what is really fucking hard sometimes.

It feels indescribably cruel to do this to him right now, when there is so much stress in this world. When I had become his confidante about a few big things in his life. But it was putting me in a position where I felt I would come in and support him, he would let his feelings bloom and then would have to beat them down and would completely disappear for days at a time. I would see him posting on FB and wondering why, if I was so special to him, were my messages being unanswered. I tell myself it is because he loves me too much. That is the best feeling option. Internally I felt abandoned, left behind, it felt dishonest and in some ways like my support and love was being taken for granted.

So, I have been forced to look at what this means for us. How I go about having a friendship, is that something that I am even capable of right now? It has also forced me to realize that maybe he is a “soul mate” but that doesn’t necessarily mean we get forever. Maybe his role in my life is complete and we should part ways for good. Maybe our paths cross once again.

Sometimes I get messages about the future. They come in the most bizarre of ways. I know his role in my life isn’t finished. I know I want him as a partner. I also know things rarely show up as we intend them too, maybe our partnership will flourish from a distance. I have never dreamed of a life with someone. I was not one of those girls that sat around dreaming up Mr. Right. I just knew when I had a certain feeling, a feeling I never experienced with anyone else, I would just…know. And I did with him. When we first met there was just love and purity and innocence and complete adoration. He is the only man that I dared to dream a future with. The only one whose touch didn’t feel like a thousand tiny needles on my skin. The only one who ever looked at me with a tenderness in his eyes that rendered me speechless and melted my heart into a puddle.

I want that again.

This space we created was not clean. And we were both trying to fit in it for the other person. For over a year there has been great love, but also great pain, agony, suffering. Less innocence and tenderness as time passed. Neither one of us can last without honesty for long. But we put ourselves aside. We laid down our truths, the things we knew, the things we wanted to be and tried to squeeze into a box that didn’t fit. We did this for each other, there is no greater love than that, right?

Wrong. Letting go so that you can both have the room to breathe and flourish, that… that is a greater sign of love and respect. Even though it hurts like a motherfucker.

There is no medal for being a martyr. No trophy for self sacrifice. There is only the weight on the chest of unanswered knowing. The suffocation of not being free. He is not free in his current life and that is something only he can adjust. But he wasn’t free with me either, and that one I can fix.

I hope he realizes it was an act of love. For both of us.

It is easy to become complacent after a massive fire. To let the gray areas slip the face of judgement. To sacrifice a small piece of you because it is that… small… but when it comes to the heart, even a small piece carries the weight of the world. Those have to be tended to as much as any other. There is a sometimes ruthless destruction that occurs, but it is a requirement. A requirement to see clearer, to feel clearer, to be… more oneself.

Poke around the coals. Know that losing yourself is the biggest tragedy of all and make adjustments. Be a warrior. Hunt down anything that is holding you back. Be savage and wild. Be a predator in your own life. Know it will hurt, but take heart in the understanding that the reward on the other side… that coming back to you… that is… priceless.<3 ❤

Image by Tobias Heine from Pixabay

A Slow Burn

It’s really interesting to see what happens when one area of your life catches on fire.

When you suddenly realize the things you thought and clung to no longer serve any purpose. When you realize the skin of the person that you are is ready to be shed.

When you refuse to settle.

After my last post I stepped the fuck up for my life. I refused to take anyone’s leftovers. I refused to sit and watch the life I wanted pass me by and I refused to play second string to any man.

And with that a fire was lit. I realized I didn’t have to sit on that damn porch, that I didn’t need a man to complete me cause I was whole as I was. I realized that everything that I thought about my life, about sacrificing for others, about quieting my needs to make people more comfortable, about what we are told success and family look like…. all of it was bullshit.

I realized I was holding on to a lot of really outdated thoughts. Thoughts that didn’t serve me or anyone else in my life because they were shackling me to a version of myself that no longer fit.

And in that moment a whole other world opened up. A world where I was no longer okay settling, and it became pretty easy to let go. A world where if something didn’t feel quite right I could honor that and examine it and see what the underlying statement was and if that didn’t fit I could question it and change it. This is a world where I believe in and trust myself. A world where I listen to my body, and started to honor it as the receiving antenna that it is.

I can feel it all burning. All of the old thoughts, old patterns, the indecision about parts of my life, the willingness to pander to other people. It is a fire that some days makes me feel like I am crawling out of my skin and other days feels like the most empowering place I could ever be.

How/why did this all happen?

I was sitting at home, chatting up a male friend via text. He is married and we have had a friendly professional relationship. And then… those words popped up on my screen. Words that make my stomach sink and my skin crawl…. “I’m bored. Come play with me.” Even typing those I can feel the anger rising. Who the fuck does he think he is that he can solicit THAT from me? This all happened in a split second but time was slowed way down and with that one simple text I saw my whole life and relationships with men VERY clearly. I have always allowed this behavior. I have felt I wasn’t good enough or deserving enough to have a man of my own. I felt like I was good at making men happy and if single men couldn’t see that and the married men did then that was my lot in life. And as all of this came flooding in this banshee started screaming inside of me. FUCK THIS. And just like that I was done. Done with all this bullshit. Done sitting around and waiting on someone who is already taken. Done loving men who won’t ever love me back. Done pushing myself down so that they could stand on top of me and get their boost up. Done putting my needs and wants and desires to the side.

D.O.N.E.

The guy who texted me that got a response back that was clear, but kind. The woman inside of my was spitting mad. Absolutely fucking raging that a man would have the audacity to think I was someone he could just summon, someone who would keep her mouth shut and give herself to him for his pleasure. And I realized it wasn’t his fault… because that is the person I have been. The person I have projected to men. I have let a lot of people tell me what was best for me and my life.

This particular situation took about two days to burn off and I haven’t been the same since. I started putting boundaries where they are needed. I started to care less about other people and focus more on how I felt. I stopped obsessing over Mr. X and what he was up to and when I realized he was choosing to stay in an environment that no longer suited his growth, I stepped back and realized it wasn’t my circus. He doesn’t need to be saved any more than I do. And that saving has to come from within…. and I am done helping other people up before I help myself up.

Does this mean I am spitting this fire into the world? No. I am still responding in a way that serves kindness and love, but my voice is becoming louder and more firm. And I fucking love it. I am approaching things with curiosity and openness but an unwillingness to sacrifice myself. If something doesn’t fit the vision of who I truly aim to be, then it goes.

This is not just in the area of relationships but also work and my health. I stopped making excuses for how my body was feeling and started doing something about it. I went out and ran until the sweat poured off and it felt good and I realized I NEED that for my body to thrive. When that old voice stepped in and said let’s go back to bed, the new one came in and said no. I am choosing me, over and over and over again and anything that is holding me back is being released. It’s beautiful and brilliant and messy and I am awful at it right now, but it is mine and it is me and it feels fucking good. It feels alive.

I feel alive.

It hasn’t been easy. It will continue to not be easy but I know over time it will become less hard and those decisions that are made in support of me will become more common than those that don’t. And so the purge has started. All of the people, things, events that don’t support me… they are being burned and anyone that stands in the way better prepare to walk through fire.

Finding oneself through the noise of the world is no easy task, but once the door is opened and the first steps taken, there is no turning back.

And that is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself. ❤ ❤

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Taking Stock

This stay at home, quarantine situation is a great time to take stock of what you have in your life, what you love, what you hate and everything in between.

I am finding the longer I am in isolation, the clearer things are becoming about what situations and people I want in my life. It is almost as if I have gone back to a base operating state…sort of a neutral system where the “good” and the “bad” are a bit clearer to recognize.

One thing I have seen is that my relationships need some adjusting. I am not really happy or satisfied with any of them with the people I consider close in my life. The people I don’t interact with are still clearly appropriate choices. Some of the people I do interact with are needing some cleaning up as far as our relationship is concerned and there is some room for new blood in the mix.

Being in isolation has also made me realize just how much I would like to have a solid romantic relationship. Someone to be there for the hard times as well as the good. Just someone HERE. Solidly and consistently. This does not mean running back to toxic patterns, but opening space for something new to come in and honoring that which no longer serves me. These steps are becoming clearer and clearer.

I am finding that with these revelations about what I want that my tolerance for the things and situations and people that I don’t want is extraordinarily low. Kind of scary low. I am taking as much space for myself as I possibly can and finding ways to avoid interacting with people that are not bringing some joy or love in my life. Unfortunately, not getting what I need from my relationships means I either need to adjust my expectations or I need to start culling people from my life. I am best at the latter. Those decisions are being carved out as well.

I am also seeing a lot around my work environment….. being separated as much as I have for as long as I have has not made me miss work, like, at all… So something needs to change there.

That is the great thing about having so much time to evaluate life. There is a quote floating around about getting back to normal but making sure that normal is worth running back to… something along those lines and I love the sentiment.

What is the point of being gifted this time if not to evaluate what is working, what isn’t working and finding the strength and gumption to make adjustments in life?

Use your time wisely, make life what you want it to be. ❤ ❤

Image by Myriam Zilles from Pixabay

The Trauma of Birth

Birth is messy.

Blood, sweat, tears… pain, until one final push and suddenly your world is forever altered. There is no turning back… only the unsure forward march, each step gaining traction in the world.

Birth is the same for everything in nature, whether we are talking childbirth, a personal rebirth or the creation of a more balanced world. There is always pain, blood, sweat, tears.

As I watch what’s happening in the world I see the messy, ferocity that nature is bestowing upon us. The beauty of the brutal swiftness that occurs when things shift too far off balance. The realization that what looks messy is actually perfect in its design and execution. I see the painful contractions that push us into new ways of thinking and of being. New ways that are really just a step back to our more instinctual, in tune selves.

With each swell of destruction, each tornado, earthquake, viral epidemic, I watch in awe and feel every particle of fear and hope and everything in between, that come with each crash. Each soul that is intimately effected is connected to the next and the next at its core of the oneness that we are. Each wave comes closer and faster until we learn to flow with them, to adjust ourselves so that we can learn from these lessons and come to shore stronger.

We are being asked to connect. Connect back to nature, back to our innate intelligence, back to our hearts.

As I sit on my cold bathroom floor, bundled in a towel, tears on my face, I know, very clearly that I am being drawn back to my own connection. One that has been so buried for so many years that each feeling of inspiration, each whisper of intuition feels like an elusive gift wrapped in gold and dissolvable the second it comes into my awareness. I grasp on to these moments, not daring to believe that this is me. This is love. And it is available to me always if I just choose to believe in what I am. The harder I clench the faster they dissolve until finally with surrender they settle like rays of sun on naked skin.

I have had a lot of time on my hands. Time to be quiet. To be reflective. To evaluate the steps that brought me to where I am. To create the next steps. To choose to live. To become who I am meant to be. To appreciate my journey and know that there is no destination and that is the beauty in living. I know that whatever lies ahead is not something I can comprehend because I have never dared to live a life freely and openly, me.

Rebirth is messy.

And as nature is forcing us all to take a minute to do a personal inventory and realign our lives with our values, I am right there with her, amidst the agony, the fear, the despair, allowing myself to shift and contract, to open to myself, to be reborn.

I would encourage all of you to do the same. Look inside and see where your connection to your power has been fractured. Where it has been shoved into boxes of societal and familial expectation. Where your dreams lie dormant waiting for a breath of courage and grit to bring them to the surface. Nature is playing in her rebirth and she is inviting you to do the same. ❤ ❤

The Value of Discomfort

I was in my coaching program class today and the instructor, who is someone whose work I value, said something that made me pause, and it is something that many a personal development influencer will say. He said we should ALWAYS strive to live at a high frequency. That we should not allow ourselves lower frequency emotions and this is the way to create an attracting state.

I understand the sentiment. However, I think there is great value in having “negative” emotions or lower frequency ones. If we didn’t have them 1. we would not be able to recognize, appreciate or even understand what “higher”frequency was because there would be no contrast (duality) and 2. most of us need that discomfort to move through the world. It is in that discomfort that we seek the elevated living states (perspectives and duality).

I am really tired of being told I just need to choose to be happy and all my problems will be solved. This fucked me up for a long time because any time I would have a “bad” emotion (anger, jealousy fear, panic, worry) I would go okay but be happy, plaster a smile on my face and fail miserably. It was like trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker. Sometimes you have to let some god damn steam out.

We have these emotions for a reason! They have just as much value as the positive ones, more when we are talking about self transformation. It is the discomfort that inspires us into action, inspires us to change. No, we are not meant to live in these states, and that is when we get into trouble, but these feelings have tremendous value.

I have also heard these emotions described as the “pseudo” self among the therapy circles and fuck that language seems so detrimental to me. To say that feeling anger is your “false” self, no! My anger is my anger. It drives me to create, to make changes, to move. It is as much a part of me as my “solid” self. There isn’t a fake and a real self. There is only the frequency that you are emitting now and the elevated (or lower) frequency that you are transforming too. But it is all, gloriously, deeply, ME.

Can you imagine if there was no fear, no worry, no jealousy, no hate in this world? I think that not having those would mean we were unable to fully appreciate the good times. I think it would get boring. We can use the example of this virus. I think that most of us were living with a base frequency that had become used to or complacent to the noise in the world, the wars, the death, the hostility. Now that we have this silent assailant who is not picky about age, gender, race or religion and suddenly we are seeing our collective humanity again, and we are coming together as PEOPLE. This would not have happened without this damn virus spreading across the globe. Without the perspective of just how shitty and scary this is, we would not be enjoying time with family and friends or singing with neighbors on balconies or in hospital corridors (with the appropriate 6 feet of distance of course :)). Instead, we would have continued as we were. While the collective is scared and worried and panicked, there is also an elevation happening, a deepening of the love and joy and pleasure that we are experiencing in this time.

The real trick in all of this is knowing what to do with discomfort and honestly, that is something I am still figuring out.

One of the things I do though is use duality and perspective shifts to help me figure out what I need. For example: I’m having a lot of anxiety going out to do my job right now as I feel others are not taking this viral threat as serious as I am. Then I ask, “why am I having that anxiety” and realize it is because I have been sick so I feel more vulnerable than I normally would. Then I have something to work with. I could go around being pissed off and wanting people to change their own behavior OR I can recognize what is happening and figure out what I can do to fix it. I bought masks, I increased my cleaning protocols. Anxiety, decreased.

This can be done with anything really. I am sad about my ex. Why am I sad? Because I feel alone. What can I do to feel less alone? Call some friends, go on a walk and meet some neighbors etc.

I get it, things don’t always feel that cut and dry for me either. But by breaking down our emotions in this way we are able to recognize steps and take them. Each step geared towards moving away from the discomfort and towards an elevated state.

And let me go off on a tangent for a second to say this is what is so fucked about so much of personal development. It isn’t pretty to tell you it takes some fucking work and balls of steel to move through this stuff. It takes grit and determination and some days you are going to lose the battle. I have been around and heard so many times, just be happy and for me it makes me feel like my other feelings aren’t valid. There is no faster way to shut down a conversation with someone in the thick of things than to tell them “hey it isn’t all bad, I know you have a gun in your mouth, but look at that sunshine, just be happy!” No. No. NO. In those moments we have to help people to cultivate an iota of space so that they can find the strength to take another breath, another step. This is done by validating their feelings and seeing them completely and being able to sit with them as they walk through fire.

You can’t have good without bad, love without hate, cold without warm. We need the lower frequencies as much as we need the higher. We need the darkness to be able to see the light. It’s all about how we use them that creates a platform for transformation and the joy that is the human experience. ❤ ❤

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