I’m taking a short break from personal development stuff to talk about something that is really important to me.
An incident happened a couple of days age that made me really sad and is a version of events that I have witnessed over and over in my life.
In my line of work I encounter people in fairly stressful situations, so I get that people are under pressure and not acting their best. However, something almost always happens when I encounter married couples and I think it justifies a closer look.
Usually a man is standing quietly in the corner and a woman is carrying on about the patient and then makes some snide remark about their husband’s inadequacy. Sometimes there is a comment from the man about how much the woman spends or whatever, but the vast majority is geared towards punishing the man’s character. Often times there is not even a reason for it, it is simply an act of lashing out that has NOTHING to do with the current predicament. And I get it…. read yesterday’s post, I am not immune to hurting the person I love. When there is no awareness though, there is no ability or want to change and that’s when we get into trouble.
The last encounter I had I was dealing with a patient that the husband brought in at the wife’s request, as she was out of town. I was talking to her on speaker phone, she knew she was on speaker, and she told me to make sure I was very, very clear on the instructions so that her husband didn’t fuck it up. That is a direct quote. We got off the phone and he made a comment about how I’d better write it down because the horse meant more than he did and if he messed it up he would be in divorce court. I looked him dead in the eye and told him he did a great job with the horse, he caught this early and due to that, saved the horse’s life and that I trusted him to make the judgement calls about what the animal needed. I am not even kidding, he teared up and then told me how his wife cared more about her Mercedes and her animals than she did about him.
People don’t just say this without prompting, without reason. Especially men… who are mostly taught (especially his generation) to keep their feelings under wraps.
One of my favorite men on this earth, I call him my fake dad, would do ANYTHING for me. He would also do, and does, anything for his wife. When I hear her talk about him there is never any kindness there. There is no tenderness or affection when they are together and I recently found out they are sleeping in separate bedrooms. When I talk to him all he talks about is how shitty he is and how he can’t do anything right. It breaks my fucking heart. She comes at him from a pseudo-empowered “strong” woman stance. I don’t think there is anything strong about someone beating another down in order to stand on their back to feel taller. Man, woman or anything in between. Strong women know when to lead, when to follow, how to show affection and appreciation and how to be in a partnership. There is no relationship as strong as one that is built on mutual respect and effort.
There is a huge focus on empowering woman and equality and don’t get me wrong, those are all important things. There is a focus on sexual abuse and the #metoo movement, and I get that, most of the women I know, myself included, have had some (or many) harrowing sexual encounters that scared them or worse. I am not against these things at all.
I don’t think the solution to those issues however, rests with assassination of the male character.
I am very much for empowering men, not shaming them for being who they are. I feel like there is a lot of confusion about what it means to be masculine. Times are changing and shifts are being made but so often I see men that have totally squashed their own power or they are using it in toxic ways. This makes me incredibly sad. I love men. I love their power, their strength, I see their capacity beyond how they have been boxed in by the women in their lives. I see a huge capacity for love, a burning ambition and a savagery that, when channeled properly, can be intensely pleasurable. And everyday I see this completely smashed down. I cannot even tell you how many married men I hear talking about how their marriage makes them feel incredibly small, unappreciated, taken advantage of, not loved how they need to be loved, not supported in the way that they need, used as a pack horse to take care of everything without having any help or true partnership. That the rope holding their overflowing bucket feels like it’s about to break.
I know there are dynamics in a marriage that I can’t understand. I have never been married. When other women hear these things they respond with “there are always two sides, ask the woman and I am sure you’ll get a much different story.” And maybe I would. But the truth is, this is something that I have seen over and over and over again and heard hundreds of times. I watched it happen with my own father. The sad part is these men love their women. A lot. They wouldn’t dream of leaving, they often accept the punishment and find the good in the anything they can to justify staying. Maybe it is fear of the unknown that keeps them there or the fact that reassembling a life is difficult to do. Or maybe they have just forgotten their own power at the hands of selfish takers in their lives and need a reminder of who they really are.
Men are amazing. They are special and powerful in ways that women aren’t, which isn’t just okay, it’s really wonderful. I don’t want to be like a man. I want a man to compliment my strengths and pick up where I am naturally weaker. I will never understand beating men down. We aren’t all supposed to be the same. We are supposed to live together in harmony each one pushing or pulling like a well oiled machine. A machine that only functions optimally when both parties honor and support one another and empower the other to be the best version of themselves that they can be. Men should be cherished, more than we are doing now. Women need to step up. We want better men, we have to help create them, to support them to be better, to be better ourselves so that they know how we need to be treated. We need to allow them to lead when they need to lead and we need to support them in their ambitions, we need to trust that they know what is best for them. Men don’t need a strong woman to come in and tame them or tell them how to live, or beat their character down so much that they forget what it is to be confident and strong and caring and gentle all at the same time. We need to do better for all of the men in the world. And by doing this will elevate humanity for generations that follow. I for one feel like having a man’s love, any person’s love really, is a really special thing. Love is a choice and should be tended to, not taken for granted.
I’m sure I have pissed off some woman who is reading this. And yes, replace the word man with person and it applies to everyone in life. Treat everyone better and our world will be better but for the sake of this post…
Love your man, ladies. Tell him how much you appreciate and respect him. SHOW him how much you care and let him flourish. Build him up instead of tearing him down. I promise you, your life will be infinitely better for it. ❤ ❤