When the life you saw yourself leading is crumbling around you, you can either stick your head in the sand and hope to come out once the damage is done, or you can take in the glory of the destruction, put on your gloves and start pulling out the shrapnel as it comes.
The cool thing about destroying the life you created means that you get a completely fresh start. A new adventure.
The only thing to do when you are standing at the starting line is to quiet your mind, visualize the goal and then focus. Focus on the moment of the gunshot. Focus on the first step and the second and the next. Focus on your breathing, your stride.
Focus on you.
Quiet the mind and focus.
As my world continues to burn I am listening deeply to what I need. I am waking in the morning and stopping for a second to feel into my body, to listen to what it wants, to take a moment to set an intention for the day.
Last night and this morning was acceptance of what is, letting go of what was and instead of bracing myself for the ride, quietly welcoming whatever may come in this day.
I realized that I am feeling stretched really thin. My energy is very low. I am using dating apps to distract myself from doing some heavy emotional lifting and in the long run it will be a detriment and set me back from where I need to be. If I am going to date I want to be able to be present and I am nowhere near that capacity. So I messaged all of the guys I am talking to and told them where I was at. The ones who didn’t want to hear that, left. The ones that were okay with meeting casually as friends, I let stay in chat. Then I muted my profile.
It felt really good.
Then I made a life inventory. I looked at my finances and cut out anything that was superfluous spending, mostly subscriptions to things I didn’t even realize I was paying for.
I spent a few minutes thinking about future goals. They aren’t exceedingly specific but they give a general direction to move.
Then I started moving.
I took down the pictures of Mr. X and tucked them safely away. I picked up my house and did the dishes and laundry that had been piling up. I tidied up anything today that took focus off of what I wanted.
What do I want? A badass relationship with myself.
Strengthening me is the only way I will find the contentment and happiness and ultimately, the relationship that I want in my life.
This is me time. This is the reason I started this blog, to find some more self love. The situation with Mr. X has slowed me down. He gave me a lot of inspiration and reasons to love myself, but the vision of us was weighing me down and causing me to sacrifice myself. Until I am stronger in me, I cannot be in a relationship. Some people move past these situations with another person, not me. I want to be completely, solidly, in love with myself. Relying on someone else to “complete” me will never work.
So what do I do to cultivate focus?
- I visualize my goals, and try to feel into what that feels like.
- I then let that vision go and turn my attention to the steps that I need to take to get there.
- I start at step one and make it the best step one that I can. Then I move to step two.
- I cut out anything that is not supporting me, all of those little tendrils of energy that are reaching out to obscure situations. I close the loops.
- I stop listening to the voice in my head. I make myself get up and workout even though I don’t want to. I push myself to move.
- I turned off all of the notifications on my phone, all of the Facebook and email and text messaging, except for a few choice, very supportive friends.
- I deleted all of the conversations with Mr. X so I don’t get caught up in the past.
- Each time I got distracted today I GENTLY redirected myself.
- I celebrated all of the “little steps.”
- I meditated and took a nap when my brain had had enough.
Cultivating focus is critical to keep moving forward. I have never been great at specific goal setting, but once my focus has shifted to something and I go all in on it, the specifics fall into place. The key is to see it as an adventure. I am not there yet, but with each step I gain more momentum. I know the excitement will come, I know the motivation will grow as I start to see results. And really, what could be more exciting than getting to know and love yourself? I can’t think of a more rewarding relationship. ❤ ❤