I have been so thrown off by this situation at work (see yesterday’s post). I like to ruminate over conflicts, take them into my mind and heart and see if I can untangle them and figure them out. And some situations can’t be untangled because you can never really know all of the pieces that make up a person. All you can know is yourself. Today I found myself getting lost and hurt in the pain of what was happening, of knowing that rumors are being spread about me and that people are being influenced against me without asking my side. As someone who genuinely considers everyone’s feelings in any given scenario, this kind of mutilation of character really really hurts.
I have been thinking all day about what I can do moving forward, how I can manage the things that have been said about me, how I can adjust myself to try to work with this person. My thoughts kept coming back around to the fact that I can’t manage the things that are being said, I can’t adjust myself to work with this person because every adjustment I make is seen as lacking. To not be able to find a solution was literally frying my brain. I find in most situations that if accountability is had by both parties, regardless of the conflict, there can, generally speaking, be some sort of resolution or at least rocky peace. I can’t see it happening here, the same rules just don’t apply when someone will say anything to try to smear another and cover their own ass.
I came home from work today and went straight into my bed. My dogs came and piled on top of me and I started to cry. I was so frustrated. I was almost panicky for a second because I felt trapped between a rock and a hard place. No matter how I have adjusted to try to figure out the puzzle that is this person, I have failed. And in that moment I realized it didn’t matter what I did and never would. I will always be at fault. So I decided to stop trying to figure it out. Stop trying to fit myself into this box where the only way I can exist is by demeaning and diminishing myself. I have tried this before and it has never worked. And it never will. I decided instead to show up. To stand up as tall as I can, to speak my truth, to cross my T’s and dot my I’s and let this person bury themselves in their lies. There are 7.5 billion people in the world, to let one color my existence so harshly is ridiculous at best, damaging at its worst.
There is a time to play nice, a time to make adjustments in honor of a relationship, but when someone’s true colors are that of a devil, it is time to put on some armor and go to war, respectfully, but without concession. I know the truth. Most of the other people I work with know the truth and when I really stop and pull back from the middle of the drama I realize I have a TON of people on my side, the vast majority actually, and I have great relationships with the other people I work with. And there is a lot of love there. I decided I am not going to let one asshole run me out or make me question myself. I am going to stop trying to please everyone, and I am going to focus on pleasing me. I want to focus on patient care. I want to do my job to the best of my ability everyday so that I can sleep at night knowing I did the most that I could. I want to shake off this shitty feeling I have about my work because I know that the work itself and the workplace are completely different things and one should not be marred by the other.
I will show up for myself. I will stand up for myself. I will use every ounce of my morality and values to do what I know in my heart is right and if I decide to walk away I will know that I did everything within my power to make things work and I can feel good about what I have done. It’s much easier to run and hide, and I have done that so much in my life. This time I am choosing different.
I am done hiding. I am done running. I am sure as fuck done trying to fit into a mold. The world doesn’t need anymore cookie cutter people. The world needs courage and authenticity and I have plenty of both. ❤ ❤