Have you ever had those days where your heart feels like it’s on a spit? And it’s going round and round and round and getting dizzier and more confused and everyone around it is just slicing a piece off as it turns their direction?
It is taking literally every ounce of energy that I have to keep myself grounded in this moment. Even my friends are hitting hard tonight. I am having to evaluate everything that is being said taking into account what I know about that person, feeling into all the noise. And it’s fucking exhausting. I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball in a hole in the ground and hibernate for a while. Even my dogs are driving me crazy.
That is my day.
And I realize that all of my choices are perpetuating my confusion, my fear, my anger. They are keeping me stagnant. I am not a victim. But I have put myself in some situations (and stayed in situations), and engaged with some people, where I am getting hurt. Repeatedly. And that is on me.
I am having a situation with a guy at work who is one of the biggest narcissists I have ever run into. He is a complete liar. And the worst part is that he believes his own bullshit. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be so consumed with your own false self image that nothing else mattered. I think about how much easier that would be than having a moral compass, cause when you don’t have one you don’t have to give a shit. And I give a shit. About a lot of things and a lot of people. I have to work with him fairly closely at times and after being threatened by him and calling him out on it, he is now trying to turn every situation around so that I am the bad guy. The worst part is that there are messages and communications that prove that he is lying. And I am the one sitting here feeling like I fucked something up, even though I know I didn’t and this is a very broken person with a warped sense of reality.
This kind of emotional drama is so draining. Especially when I am trying to be the bigger person, have the hard conversations, repair the relationship. You simply cannot do that with someone who refuses to be authentic or take responsibility for their actions.
My heart feels like it’s expanding and dying all at the same time.
At the end of the day we are alone, with just ourselves. Our thoughts, actions and feelings define us. Not our jobs, not our financial status or outward success, it is what is inside that really matters. And I, for one, refuse to be anything but the ever expanding, highest version of me. ❤ ❤