Day 12: What To Do When Your Life Is In A Rut

It’s stupid simple, actually. You give yourself a new experience.

Simple, yes. Easy, no.

After the last “thing” with a guy ended I fell into this pattern of watching TV, eating a ton of sugar and barely leaving my house. This last … thing… was about 6 years ago. It took me 5 of those years to be in that particular rut until it became too damn painful to take anymore. I spent those years becoming more and more isolated.

In the interest of not repeating that particular pattern, I told Mr. X I was going to start dating. I put it out to the one person who I know will hold me accountable and who I also know is 100% on my side. It’s solely in the name of a new experience. I don’t WANT to date. It’s too soon. My heart is still crushed. I don’t want to look across a table and try to make small talk with the pressure of impending “romance” looming over me. What I want is to curl up next to Mr. X for the rest of my life and build a partnership that few would even be able to comprehend. But that isn’t our path. Not now, maybe not ever. I could feel myself sinking back into the same, familiar rut… staying up too late, eating too much food, watching too much TV. Depression as some would label it. I just know it as the darkness that starts to consume me. I have learned over the last year, however, that that darkness isn’t me. I am the one observing it, playing with it, amplifying it, and I have the power to change it. I know that the depth of that darkness and sorrow matches the height of my love and means I am really powerful. So, with the force of a hurricane, I press on.

I am going to date.

I have zero expectations. Actually, I expect that no one will live up to the love experience that I had with Mr. X. So I am sure that is what I will find. What I am looking for instead is something all its own. Something that has purity and integrity and is completely different than what I have with Mr. X, because honestly, the soul level connection we share isn’t going anywhere.

I am choosing to think of dating as a sport. It is with a tiny bit of excitement actually, that I get the chance to set some boundaries (something I have never really done in intimate relationships), I have a chance to speak my wants and needs. I have never been one to NEED another person, so there is no risk in walking away.

Mr. X took it like he should. He gave me all of the well wishes and told me we would adjust. That he didn’t have to hold my hand anymore… (that one fucked me up, I HATE holding hands, but it was one of my favorite activities with him). I still can’t believe this chapter has ended, that I won’t have him holding on to me at night anymore. It hurts beyond comprehension.

But I am choosing not to wallow. I am choosing to move forward, see what else is out there, explore life, discover more of myself and maybe find a lot of love along the way. I am choosing a new experience.

Sometimes self care is a messy son of a bitch. ❤ ❤

This is where I have to put another plug in for my buddy Mike Kemski. His principles are what have enabled me to go from sluggish, apathetic couch potato to, well… whatever I am today. I have no clue what that is, but it’s way better than it used to be. I write more about him in my Day 7 post (I think). You can also find him on Facebook, he’s the guy with the beard, baseball cap and smile of gold. He is running a two week challenge starting January 6th that walks people through some simple shifts that can create massive change in their lives. He is super hands on with his challenges, there is a ton of support and it’s always an amazing community. You can sign up by clicking on this little guy:

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