Day 8: The Light Touch of Happiness

What is that famous quote? Let me google it.

“Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”

I have no clue who wrote this, but I find it to be so true. And today I am happy.

I have found that most days now, while there may be grief and strife, the undertone is that of contentment or at least the gritty acknowledgement that life is progressing exactly as it should and that each “set back” is a stepping stone to the next, better thing (all a matter of perspective). As I look back on my life I realize I wouldn’t change anything that has happened as all of those events have made me the person that I am today. I am able to see, in these moments of grief, that they are also leading me somewhere and I will, one day, look back and realize I didn’t want this experience to be any different either.

And then there are happy days. I mentally let go of a lot of weight the last two weeks and letting go of that resistance to what is has left room for happiness to sit quietly on my shoulder. These days are so cherished to me because at this point, they are still the minority. I am also appreciative of the not so great days because they allow me to fully immerse myself in the experiences that come with happiness by providing crucial contrast.

Nothing about my day has been unusual or extraordinary. I worked out, danced a little bit, caught up with some friends, bought some makeup, went home and tried to apply said makeup, laughed like a fool, hand some hot chocolate and am currently snuggling with my dogs, appreciating my life. For the first time I realize, I am making it what I want it to be.

That realization came with another text from my mom. She asked for a “truce” over Christmas. I replied back there was no need for a truce because we weren’t at war. She asked what she did wrong that I should hate her so much. And the truth is, nothing, and I don’t hate her. I just don’t want her in my bubble. She bettered her life from what it once was and I am attempting to do the same with mine. I am creating the environment that I need to support the vision that I have for myself. That does not include people with lack of self- awareness and victim mentalities. In these moments I am really proud of myself, because as I have said multiple times, change is hard. I choose every day to change the neurological pathways that have been created due to past experience. I choose different. It isn’t easy, it certainly isn’t pretty much of the time, but it is consistent and it is getting faster. Recognition of that progress creates massive motivation.

This time of year especially, people try to push for re-connection. The societal guilt of family togetherness is ever present. One has to be very strong to maintain boundaries. The joy of the holidays inspires reaching out, and can easily lead to back sliding. Many people reading this will think I am cruel, but when someone has shown you repeatedly that they do not listen and aren’t actively working on themselves, one has to stay strong.

I am not looking forward to talking to my mom. We have had the same conversation over and over and over again. In many ways it would be easier if there was some defining event that fractured us because that would be easier for her to understand. But there wasn’t. We don’t get along. We have a lot of the same personality traits and we have chosen different paths and perspectives which has shaped our lives in vastly different ways. I know I will, once again, be the enemy and she the victim, but that is not my concern right now. My concern is with the smile on my face and the peace in my heart, and soaking up all of the love that I have reserved for me. There really is no greater gift of happiness than that of loving oneself. ❤ ❤

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