As it was so bullishly pointed out to me in a recent altercation with a jackass at work (that’s another story that I may or may not delve into later), there are two sides to every story.
In this one there’s my perspective, and then there is that of Mr. X. X for… excellent? Xenodochial? Xenurine (just kidding, that has to do with armadillos… definitely not applicable here)? X because it sounds all badass and secretive, like a super hero. And he is a super hero to me.
Anytime there is a break up, a break down, anything that breaks… there is this massive outpouring of love from the people that we reach out to. A lot of times that comes in the form of commiseration, and always it comes from the perspective of the person offering the love. And it is love. Whether someone says they will come hug you and make you some tea or offers to go help you bury the bodies, it is all love. When someone reaches out and wants to hold your hand and wipe your tears and you break down and tell them all of the most painful parts of your soul, every little indecency you suffered, every thing that was said and done to create all of the pain and misery it’s so tempting to latch on to their anger for you and to let it stew and simmer. And it’s SO easy to lay all of the blame on the other person. I am guilty of this in my relationship because damn, it feels good to have someone love you and tell you you were wronged and it feels good to build up that anger and resentment against the person doing the “bad deeds” because it takes the spotlight off of the pain, channels it into another emotion and for a second takes away from the brutality of the experience. While I am all for banding together to walk through the shit, I realize now that the most useful love given to me has been from a friend who knows both of us, who understands the love between us and that emotions are complicated and who listens and is present but keeps most of her judgments to herself.
Anger is an amazing driver. It can be channeled into so many things. Many people channel it into destruction. Some use it as motivation. Others use is to cloud judgement and cover their hearts in a layer of thick, black shit that creates a wall so solid that it cannot be penetrated. That anger festers and turns to hate and creates fractures in the keeper’s heart that ultimately dims the light inside us. I lived like this for a really long time.
My childhood was not fun. I learned really early on that the best means of protection was to channel all of my anger and fear into creating walls big enough the no one would be able to get into my life. It worked well for years and years and years, until … it didn’t. I found myself in my early thirties so sickeningly confused about life that I could no longer make decisions, could no longer feel anything really and not caring if my next breath was my last. Anger is super powerful.
What does this have to do with Mister X?
I met him when I was at the lowest point in my life. He saw through all of the anger, the fear, the resentment… all of the bullshit that I had stacked in my way. He saw through it and all he offered in return was love. In doing so he cracked open my heart.
Old patterns are really hard to break and they take so much effort to shift. Monumental effort. True transformation is not for the faint of heart. And when all of this “went south” with Mr. X my first inclination was to grab onto the pain with everything inside of me and pull it into my heart and literally leave my life behind to start over again. I am really good at starting over. But this is not how transformation is achieved and to change, one has to be willing to stay and fight and withstand the fires of the darkness that lives within. In order to do this I had to make some really distinct changes, and one of those was to be VERY careful about 1. how I was representing our situation and 2. what I was sharing with people. It has also resulted in some pretty clear boundary setting, which has been amazing in all aspects of my life, but a topic for another day.
One friend that I told some of my story to claims Mister X is a total asshole and she can’t be present enough to listen right now. She is not over a bad breakup (I get it and I love her dearly). Another told me that I needed to get out and date right away. She is married and having an affair because she “can’t be alone and wants to move on.” <– I love her too, we are all so gloriously messy in our own ways. A third told me that the love we had for each other was not special and I could find that with any number of people. She has jumped around from relationship to relationship and is working on herself and maybe, finally involved in something healthy. My point here is to show that each person has their own perspective and brings to the table what they are working with. In the past I would take in all of these opinions, I would put them in my heart and mind and try them all on for size. I would oscillate from anger and leaving to staying and fighting. I was so confused about what was right and what was wrong and completely out of touch with what I felt and what I wanted. This situation has forced me to step back and sit with myself and listen to not the voice inside, but the feelings of the being observing the voice. I learned my voice will tell me all kinds of fucked up shit. And it just isn’t right. It may be shadows of past experiences and it may be things that are meant for protection, but beyond the words there are feelings and intuition that contain the road map for life. In this situation, this person treats me well enough and is loyal enough to me that I am willing, not just willing… but WANT to look at myself and evaluate our situation fairly and come to my own conclusions without the interjection of other people who are walking their own paths.
I closed a lot of people out. And that’s been really hard for some. I had to explain that while I valued and appreciated their love and support, the way they were expressing themselves was not helpful to me and I needed to quiet the noise and connect with myself. I was told I sounded like a woman who was standing up for a man who was abusive, and I was told that I was being manipulated and taken advantage of. For a minute I took those words in, I let them wash over me and I realized that no, they didn’t fit.
Mister X isn’t perfect. He messes stuff up. He has done and said things that have absolutely brutalized my heart. He is human. But he also loves me, very deeply, and we have a connection that defies logic. As I look at the steps in our journey and events that have unfolded I can see very clearly that his motivation has always been love. And sometimes love is messy and hard.
He won’t be here to tell you his side. He won’t be here to say how much and how deeply he loves me. He won’t be able to stick up for himself or defend his actions. And he doesn’t have to, because there is need to. Only we know the truth about what goes on between us and what our motivations are and how we want our relationship to be. We don’t fit into a box. We never have, as individuals or in a relationship, and we never will. Sometimes self care is going in your own direction. It’s ignoring the voices of others and having the bravery to blaze your own path. It is having the courage to put your heart in the hands of someone else and know that regardless of what happens you have given yourself completely to a person because you trust and have complete faith in them, even though you might feel completely shattered it if ends. But what is an ending really, except a new beginning.
Mister X, to me, is so far beyond just a person, or a lover or a friend. He represents transformation, freedom, beauty, security and above all love… blinding, immersive, soul shaking, love. And that is something that I will never give away at the opinions of others. He lives in the very core of my heart, that is his home and always will be. He will be on every date I go on, encouraging me to be myself, to show up for me in all of my dorkiness, humor and love, gently whispering to my soul that he is there, he supports me and wants my happiness above all else. There is no way to adequately express the difference that having this man in my life has made, and no way to make people understand how I feel about him. So I leave you with this. I love him deeply and always will, and the woman that I am becoming is, in many ways because of him. And she is a better version of me than I ever thought possible or would have been able to see without the reflection of what he sees in me. ❤ ❤