It turns out… everything.
I’m gonna go all woo woo here for a second. I am actually digging the fact that NO ONE is reading this. It feels all sexy and alluring to be sharing my thoughts on the great WORLD WIDE WEB, but secretly it’s safe AF. And I kind of love that…. <– that was a tangent, not the woo woo bit. I tend to do that a lot. So here goes…
I believe we are all energetic beings coming from some universal energy soup. I don’t claim to know how we got here or where we came from and I don’t really care. I have seen the beginning and the end and everything in between because it is all really just one thing: energy (#enlightened). In a way that’s a comfort cause there could be this sense of connectedness to everything, and that is, perhaps, what a healthy thinking individual would think… but currently there are none of those people around, just me, and some fucked up thought patterns. Knowing what I know actually feels really lonely and isolating. We are all one thing so what is the point? Where is the meaning in life? And that is where things get tricky.
I have this AMAZING friend. Someone I would die for. He says we are here to create, to experience life to the fullest so when we go back to that sameness we can say, “God damn, I really lived that shit up.” We are here to experience all we can from this amazing gift of separation that we have been given. He is probably right, and I find those thoughts really beautiful and comforting.
For me, I have always dreamed of love. That was my purpose. Not the white picket fence, 2.5 kids kind of love, but a fully engaged, intense, “soul mate” level love. And for me, I won’t settle for anything less, because without that, relationships to me are boring and require a lot of effort and compromise and consideration of another person so that person that I am going to alter my life for better be pretty damn exceptional. Exceptional people are rare in this world. Exceptional people of a certain gender narrows the pool even further. I was a lucky one. I found that love. I found that love…. in someone I can’t have. I have learned SO MANY things about myself in that relationship. For the first time in my life I have a man who sees beyond all the crazy shit I have been through and what he sees in me, quite frankly, is astonishing and so beautiful. Even now it brings me to tears with appreciation for his presence in my life. Because no one, NO ONE, has ever looked at me the way that man looks at me.
I am scared as hell that no one will ever look at me like that again.
I have been single pretty much my entire life. I have never had a full fledged “relationship.” I am a serial mistress with a propensity for playing the victim when things don’t work out. I have a martyr complex, inherited from my mother. I was taught well. And this beautiful man not just gently and lovingly pointed these patterns out, but was strong enough and brave enough to stand by me while I worked (still working) through them. The truth is, I am scared shitless to be in a relationship. I am scared to show myself completely. I am scared about the potential of losing my freedom to have a life with someone else. I am scared of forgetting who I am or maybe never really knowing who I am. I am scared to open my heart and being in relationships with married men is super safe, because the ending is always predictable. I am never disappointed. I am at a stage in my life, however, where I want this to change. I NEED this to change.
I am scared that I need too much love to ever feel fulfilled by one person.
My heart is really big. I am compassionate and empathic to the detriment of myself. When I give myself I give as much as I can. When I am present I am present completely. When I love I love hard. Few people get to experience this side of me. From a super young age I was not looked after, my heart wasn’t cared for, wasn’t tended to and wasn’t protected. So I did it myself, in the only way I knew how, which was to completely shut people out. I am also effing good at building walls. So much so that somewhere along the way I stopped being able to connect with myself. I was searching for myself in other people and searching for something that would be fulfilling to my heart and soul. Each person that came in and out of my life was a disappointment. No one knew how to take care of me. I believe really firmly that we show people how we need to be treated and I had no clue how to protect my heart and keep it open, how to feel fully but experience safety, how to be me. I had no clue how I needed people to treat me. And as I have come to know the size of my heart and my love I realize that it’s true, no one can fulfill me, no one has the capacity or the ability, no one except me. Looking for someone else to fill that role ultimately just leads to dysfunction and A LOT of pressure for the poor bastard who is in my line of sight.
This is why I started this venture. To fulfill myself and ultimately be able to open my heart to another person without neediness, but in an independence born of confidence in myself.
So….what the hell is self love? A lot of people preach massages, meditation, yoga, affirmations… all aspects of self love, all tools that I use for my goal. But self love isn’t always pretty. Sometimes it is pushing your boundaries, sometimes it is not being afraid to shine a light on your darkest self and to evaluate the experiences that have landed you at your station in life. Self love is about accountability, honesty, compassion and care. It is about opening yourself up so that each piece can be explored and honored. It is about breaking apart the whole to see what you are working with and putting the pieces back together in a way that serves you better. It is about doing this over and over again until you know yourself inside and out. It is about accepting and loving ALL. OF. YOU.
And some days it’s pretty damn ugly.
I am not here to make a list of all of the shit I have done, but more to express the growth and process of my personal transformation.
Yesterday was the quintessential “self care” day. Working out, massage, took myself to lunch, nap, chatting with friends. It was also a day of sobbing, complete breakdowns and the realization that even though I am shaking and sobbing on the floor, I am still okay and that this part of me shows just how deeply I love and care and that’s really beautiful.
This man in my life, we are going to be friends. I am going to keep my heart open to him. He means enough to me to do that. He INSPIRES me to be better. Inspires me to find a way to heal and to transform so that our relationship, in whatever capacity it is meant to be, will be the strongest that it can possibly be. And this means that every moment right now is a battle. All I want to do is run, to latch onto the hurt and pain and shut him out and slam the door behind me so hard that it will never be cracked again. It takes conscious, massive effort to choose something different. Every thought is analyzed and corrected to something more true to the vision of myself that I want to be. It is utterly exhausting and most days I feel like I am running on fumes, but I am starting to see the glimmer of change. There are these little moments where the speed from one thought to better one increases and sometimes there is a thought that I don’t need to discard or adjust. Sometimes there is a gentleness within me and for me that needs no alteration. In these moments I see growth and progress and today it has been enough to keep me moving.
Much love to you all. Or mostly to me since I am the only one listening. ❤ ❤