The Trauma of Birth

Birth is messy.

Blood, sweat, tears… pain, until one final push and suddenly your world is forever altered. There is no turning back… only the unsure forward march, each step gaining traction in the world.

Birth is the same for everything in nature, whether we are talking childbirth, a personal rebirth or the creation of a more balanced world. There is always pain, blood, sweat, tears.

As I watch what’s happening in the world I see the messy, ferocity that nature is bestowing upon us. The beauty of the brutal swiftness that occurs when things shift too far off balance. The realization that what looks messy is actually perfect in its design and execution. I see the painful contractions that push us into new ways of thinking and of being. New ways that are really just a step back to our more instinctual, in tune selves.

With each swell of destruction, each tornado, earthquake, viral epidemic, I watch in awe and feel every particle of fear and hope and everything in between, that come with each crash. Each soul that is intimately effected is connected to the next and the next at its core of the oneness that we are. Each wave comes closer and faster until we learn to flow with them, to adjust ourselves so that we can learn from these lessons and come to shore stronger.

We are being asked to connect. Connect back to nature, back to our innate intelligence, back to our hearts.

As I sit on my cold bathroom floor, bundled in a towel, tears on my face, I know, very clearly that I am being drawn back to my own connection. One that has been so buried for so many years that each feeling of inspiration, each whisper of intuition feels like an elusive gift wrapped in gold and dissolvable the second it comes into my awareness. I grasp on to these moments, not daring to believe that this is me. This is love. And it is available to me always if I just choose to believe in what I am. The harder I clench the faster they dissolve until finally with surrender they settle like rays of sun on naked skin.

I have had a lot of time on my hands. Time to be quiet. To be reflective. To evaluate the steps that brought me to where I am. To create the next steps. To choose to live. To become who I am meant to be. To appreciate my journey and know that there is no destination and that is the beauty in living. I know that whatever lies ahead is not something I can comprehend because I have never dared to live a life freely and openly, me.

Rebirth is messy.

And as nature is forcing us all to take a minute to do a personal inventory and realign our lives with our values, I am right there with her, amidst the agony, the fear, the despair, allowing myself to shift and contract, to open to myself, to be reborn.

I would encourage all of you to do the same. Look inside and see where your connection to your power has been fractured. Where it has been shoved into boxes of societal and familial expectation. Where your dreams lie dormant waiting for a breath of courage and grit to bring them to the surface. Nature is playing in her rebirth and she is inviting you to do the same. ❤ ❤

The Value of Discomfort

I was in my coaching program class today and the instructor, who is someone whose work I value, said something that made me pause, and it is something that many a personal development influencer will say. He said we should ALWAYS strive to live at a high frequency. That we should not allow ourselves lower frequency emotions and this is the way to create an attracting state.

I understand the sentiment. However, I think there is great value in having “negative” emotions or lower frequency ones. If we didn’t have them 1. we would not be able to recognize, appreciate or even understand what “higher”frequency was because there would be no contrast (duality) and 2. most of us need that discomfort to move through the world. It is in that discomfort that we seek the elevated living states (perspectives and duality).

I am really tired of being told I just need to choose to be happy and all my problems will be solved. This fucked me up for a long time because any time I would have a “bad” emotion (anger, jealousy fear, panic, worry) I would go okay but be happy, plaster a smile on my face and fail miserably. It was like trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker. Sometimes you have to let some god damn steam out.

We have these emotions for a reason! They have just as much value as the positive ones, more when we are talking about self transformation. It is the discomfort that inspires us into action, inspires us to change. No, we are not meant to live in these states, and that is when we get into trouble, but these feelings have tremendous value.

I have also heard these emotions described as the “pseudo” self among the therapy circles and fuck that language seems so detrimental to me. To say that feeling anger is your “false” self, no! My anger is my anger. It drives me to create, to make changes, to move. It is as much a part of me as my “solid” self. There isn’t a fake and a real self. There is only the frequency that you are emitting now and the elevated (or lower) frequency that you are transforming too. But it is all, gloriously, deeply, ME.

Can you imagine if there was no fear, no worry, no jealousy, no hate in this world? I think that not having those would mean we were unable to fully appreciate the good times. I think it would get boring. We can use the example of this virus. I think that most of us were living with a base frequency that had become used to or complacent to the noise in the world, the wars, the death, the hostility. Now that we have this silent assailant who is not picky about age, gender, race or religion and suddenly we are seeing our collective humanity again, and we are coming together as PEOPLE. This would not have happened without this damn virus spreading across the globe. Without the perspective of just how shitty and scary this is, we would not be enjoying time with family and friends or singing with neighbors on balconies or in hospital corridors (with the appropriate 6 feet of distance of course :)). Instead, we would have continued as we were. While the collective is scared and worried and panicked, there is also an elevation happening, a deepening of the love and joy and pleasure that we are experiencing in this time.

The real trick in all of this is knowing what to do with discomfort and honestly, that is something I am still figuring out.

One of the things I do though is use duality and perspective shifts to help me figure out what I need. For example: I’m having a lot of anxiety going out to do my job right now as I feel others are not taking this viral threat as serious as I am. Then I ask, “why am I having that anxiety” and realize it is because I have been sick so I feel more vulnerable than I normally would. Then I have something to work with. I could go around being pissed off and wanting people to change their own behavior OR I can recognize what is happening and figure out what I can do to fix it. I bought masks, I increased my cleaning protocols. Anxiety, decreased.

This can be done with anything really. I am sad about my ex. Why am I sad? Because I feel alone. What can I do to feel less alone? Call some friends, go on a walk and meet some neighbors etc.

I get it, things don’t always feel that cut and dry for me either. But by breaking down our emotions in this way we are able to recognize steps and take them. Each step geared towards moving away from the discomfort and towards an elevated state.

And let me go off on a tangent for a second to say this is what is so fucked about so much of personal development. It isn’t pretty to tell you it takes some fucking work and balls of steel to move through this stuff. It takes grit and determination and some days you are going to lose the battle. I have been around and heard so many times, just be happy and for me it makes me feel like my other feelings aren’t valid. There is no faster way to shut down a conversation with someone in the thick of things than to tell them “hey it isn’t all bad, I know you have a gun in your mouth, but look at that sunshine, just be happy!” No. No. NO. In those moments we have to help people to cultivate an iota of space so that they can find the strength to take another breath, another step. This is done by validating their feelings and seeing them completely and being able to sit with them as they walk through fire.

You can’t have good without bad, love without hate, cold without warm. We need the lower frequencies as much as we need the higher. We need the darkness to be able to see the light. It’s all about how we use them that creates a platform for transformation and the joy that is the human experience. ❤ ❤

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Moving The Sludge

Man. The last couple of days have been kind of tough.

I have been waiting for test results for COVID as I have been sick. And they came back negative. I should be relieved but there is a part of me that isn’t. A part of me that wishes I had it so that I could know I had a mild case and I survived and had some immunity and could potentially help others through donating plasma.

I am trying not to let the fear get me. But going back out into the world with a compromised immune system, likely bronchitis, in the wake of a pandemic that attacks the respiratory system… to care for horses….seems fucking pointless and a little stupid to me right now.

I have had a grip on my fear, but as this touches closer and closer to me it is hard to move away from it all. People are really scared. A buddy of mine text me tonight with updates from his friend in NYC where things are really bad. I feel his fear in my heart, his hopelessness at not being able to do more for his friend. It cuts deeply into my humanity.

And I remind myself that this is also nature balancing itself out. That we will survive this. Not all of us will make it, but we will, as a whole, survive.

This has got me thinking a lot about my own mortality and whether or not I would be happy with the life I have lived here. And I honestly don’t know the answer to that. Sometimes I think yes, I am done here. Sometimes the answer is no.

I got into a bit of a sludge today. Part sprang from the above questions, part from this sickness that’s descended on my body. There were tears, lots of them. Loneliness. Stagnation. There was also confusion about what to do, what to think, how to feel.

So I did the only thing that I knew would shift some of this. I moved my body.

Sometimes when we can do nothing else we have to remember we can always take a step. It doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect or “right,” it just has to be motion.

Ten minutes of weights, some ab exercises and head stands and I was feeling better. Then I made some fresh juice and a nice meal and I didn’t feel so stuck anymore.

I don’t have the answers to the above questions. I still don’t know what is right or wrong and I am a hot mess in my life most of the time. But I do know that moving helps. So when I need to break the cycle of torturous thoughts, I move.

We are in a time of survival. Something that many of us have never had to face, not in this way. When we are in survival mode we go back to base instincts. To break this we have to breathe. We have to move, we have do something creative or constructive. Some of us have to prepare to feel safe, some of us have to create art or music. Some of us just need to move. Whatever that looks like for you, it’s perfect.

As I look around, in this moment, I know I am safe. I can relax and breath and enjoy my dogs and the flowers that are starting to peak through the dirt. I can feel the Earth under my feet and marvel at the beauty of nature.

I am safe. I am strong. I am choosing something other than fear. ❤ ❤

Day 84: Staying the Course

With all of the current upheaval it’s really easy to become complacent in your goals and to stop moving forward.

This time, more than ever, is the time to pause and refocus your intentions. It’s time to remind yourself what you want from the world, what you need to get there and what action steps you can be taking to propel yourself closer to your goal.

Being in quarantine is a funny thing. There is all this time do be productive, but with so much anxiety and heaviness and fear in the world it is super easy to just sink into that and do nothing but sit and binge watch Netflix.

I’m having to remind myself of this. Especially today. I got tested for Corona yesterday and am anxiously waiting for results while also getting more and more sick. Fun times. I am doing all the self care things but at some point today I caught myself wondering how bad this was going to get and how shitty I was going to feel. I had a proper 2-3 minutes of wandering down that rabbit hole. Then I thought, fuck it. This is nature doing it’s job. It’s contributing to herd health and an overall boost in immunity so whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I am not going to let it dictate my life any more than it has to.

I reminded myself why I was doing this blog and then I started writing.

That’s the thing about taking steps, you can sit around all day and think about taking them, but unless you actually DO the thing there is no forward movement.

So here I am, doing it, offering you encouragement to do the same. Don’t let what’s going on in the world interrupt your goals and dreams and aspirations. This is a bump in the road that we will all make it through together. ❤ ❤

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

Day 83: The Cold Grip of Fear

I almost titled this “CHILL THE FUCK OUT!”

But I held back.

We are living in troubled times. People do not feel like they have any control, and we don’t. This is a breathtaking, intense reminder that Mother Nature is in control and we aren’t immune because, guess what… we are nature. We are animals, we are biologic organisms.

Someone told me yesterday that the Corona virus was really deadly because it wasn’t MEANT for humans… who the fuck is anyone of us to say it wasn’t meant for us. We are … animals. A virus that lives in animals doesn’t mean we are immune because we don’t see ourselves as such. We have elevated ourselves to a status that is shockingly egoic about our place in the world. Yes, ego has its place. It allows us to step beyond fear and accomplish great things, but we have become so disconnected from the natural world that we forget we are a part of it and that means we are subject to her will.

This is an awesome, raw display of sheer power.

And it is making people very afraid. Rightfully so. But what isn’t right is to not realize our place in this world. It isn’t to keep fighting for us being more than nature. Biology cannot be outrun. It will shift and mutate and spread and do whatever the fuck it needs to to create harmony or homeostasis. We are so keen to think we know what that looks like.

Why is this coming up? Because I am getting tired. I empathize and sympathize with the fear. I have it too. I am in no way immune to what everyone else is feeling. In some ways I feel it more intimately as I have to keep working and exposing myself and potentially others (who’s to say I am not a carrier) to this thing. I get it. But when I was asked today by two separate clients to euthanize their completely healthy animals for no reason other than they are scared about the future, that was the end of my rope.

When people are scared they will do a lot of crazy things. We are seeing the best and the worst come out in people. The best is pretty great, there is so much coming together and community and people reaching out and people being creative and loving and it warms my heart.

And then there is the worst. There is the fear mongering, the people preying on that fear for their own benefit, people stabbing other people over food, hate speech, panic and thievery.

I refuse to let my own experience be one that is focused on the bad. But today was hard. I had to get real with some people and choose my moral high ground. The thing is, when you stand clear in your purpose and firm in your heart and mind people settle into that. Both clients that I talked to I gave feedback lovingly but firmly. Both of them woke up a little bit and came around to what they were asking, and then we came up with a plan and guidelines for when that time comes of what to look for and what the process would be. Then I made myself available to them at any time they might need me so they had that peace of mind. And I will be available to them. This is not a role I love to play, to be on call 24/7 but at the end of the day I have a purpose to advocate for my patients and today this meant showing up in this way.

These are interesting times. Things are changing rapidly and our normal is shifting in massive ways. It requires us to be flexible, strong in our ethics and to have courage of conviction. It is too easy to get swept up in fear and start to break down and walk away from our moral compass.

Please stand strong. Remember the image of yourself that you have been working so hard to bring to fruition and stay the course. Care for yourself, tend to your needs but do not lose the core of what makes up your values. This is the time to bring them forth, put them in your heart and project them to the world. We need strength and kindness and love more than ever right now. ❤ ❤

Image by ambermb from Pixabay

Day 82: Community

I decided to take a break from social media today to get a little reset and to connect with me a bit and really dig deep into what I was feeling without all the noise from the outside world.

I can see really clearly the capacity that this situation has for good. No, I am not discounting the devastation and the loss of life. Not in any way. But…. I am choosing to focus on the positives.

When I went back online and my awareness was focused on the good that was all I could find.

People are coming together in a huge way. Communities are popping up to bring things to people in need, neighbors are reaching out to neighbors to lend a hand, we are supporting our elderly and immunocompromised communities with special store hours just for them. This. This is what life is supposed to be.

Community. People coming together in love and support.

It sucks that it has taken a global event to make this happen, but it is mother nature moving back in balance.

We are supposed to thrive, together. We are supposed to feel safe with one another and be collaborative and cooperative. We are supposed to love and be loved.

Spread joy. Be a light in the world. ❤ ❤

Day 81: Letting Go… Again

Letting go.

I would like to think it will get easier the more it is practiced. Right now I am not so sure.

We let go of things, jobs, people, places we lived, lovers, friends.

Letting go means taking your hands off the steering wheel, taking a deep breath and just accepting what is. Without fear, without judgement. It means to stop grasping for control.

I talked about this a while back within the context of a relationship and me letting go of Mr. X (still a work in progress). And now I had the same conversation with myself today about this virus situation.

I woke up this morning feeling like utter shit. Not physically, but emotionally spent. It is really taxing sometimes to have to go out in the world, put your feelings and safety aside, council clients and tend to patients all the while having an air of authority and decorum. Sometimes I want a day where there isn’t life and death and where responsibility is nil. I don’t have that luxury in my job and now people are acting even crazier than before. I get it. I hold space for them. I listen to their fears, their stories of people they know who are susceptible, people they know who have died, I hear stories about their animals, their grandchildren, all of the happenings in their life… all within a 3-4 foot radius, and under five minutes? No… that’s not a thing. I have had to consciously put my own safety aside to allow these conversations to happen. Maybe that isn’t right. Maybe I should be looking out for myself more.

It is an interesting phenomenon being a vet. People tell you EVERYTHING about their life. Way more than what we need to know. We act as therapist, social worker, confidante, priest and anything else a client needs. We are in the unique position of not just caring for family members but actively participating in life and death scenarios. We have authority. And as such, clients assume we also have some sort of concrete evidence on the virus.

It is exhausting. Sometimes after work I come home and I just cry because it I have to release all that I heard and witnessed from the day. I have to let go of all of my walls and protections so I can find some calm and peace within me.

In this time of need in our society, letting go is critically important. As I sit here thinking about what tomorrow will bring and already feeling the pull of tired on my mind and heart I realize that I am resisting all of it. I am resisting talking with clients, seeing patients, putting my own safety needs first, the anxiety that I feel about the unknown, the fact that we are experiencing a pandemic.

It is the resistance that creates suffering and panic and hysteria.

The more I am focused on how much I don’t want to deal with any of this, the bigger it all seems.

Here’s the part about letting go. Have you ever been told that if you are in a car crash in those moments before it happens, that flash of time when everything slows down, if you can relax yourself the impact and bodily damage will be much less? Same principle applies.

Every moment of today was about letting go. It was about accepting there is a new normal. It was knowing that there is a virus and it is here and if I am going to get sick I am going to get sick. It was letting go of the resistance to the fact that I may not have a job in a few months, that people I know, or myself, may not be alive.

I took a few minutes today and sat with a friend of mine. He is a really powerful intuitive. We took a moment and he helped me connect back to myself. Not the self that feels overwhelmed and scared and tired but the essence of who I am. The part of me that is love and tenderness and kindness and compassion. He helped me breathe it back into my awareness and when we were done I found that I was able to relax into this new normal a little bit more. I was able to come out of my own flavor of haze and look around and see what was really happening for me in that moment.

I saw sunshine and mountains and flowers and people smiling and laughing, and as my heart filled more I realized I would be okay. We will all be okay.

As we battle the river that rages in each of us, grasping for rocks and trees to cling to we become battered, bruised, exhausted in our effort. It is only with the letting go, the becoming one with the river that we are able to flow with the water, and in that moment find the space to breathe. ❤ ❤